The Lasso of Truth
by cumberland river relic
Summary: After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?
1. Chapter 1: It's Official!

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary: After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

In an earlier story set five years after the end of the series,** "Frasier Returns: The Boss and Her Friend," **Frasier Crane returns to Seattle and reunites with Roz Doyle which leads to their marriage. As was the case at the end of the series, Roz Doyle became the station manager, and quite a successful one. Now Frasier takes the next step - adopting Roz' daughter Alice. How will Frasier handle raising a girl? What's up with the mysterious photo that Frasier keeps in his wallet? And what was the bet between Niles and Daphne?

Frasier and Roz narrate the story.

*******"It's Official!" - **_**Frasier's narration**_**.*******

"Congratulations. With these signatures, your adoption is official," our lawyer said.

"Daddy!" my new daughter yelled.

At the same instant, Alice and I reached to embrace each other. Roz put her arms around both of us. First she kissed her daughter on the top of her head, then Roz lifted my chin up and joined our lips together, something I had found I couldn't get enough of over the past few months.

My sister-in-law Daphne reached into a sack and from it threw a handful of confetti into the air.

"Bravo!"

"All right!"

"Welcome to the family!"

What made the day even better was to be surrounded by my family - Dad and my stepmother Ronee, my brother Niles and his wife Daphne, and their children David and Sarah. My son Frederick had been unable to join us, but he sent his best wishes "to his new sister."

Everyone crowded around us, pouring all their attention on Alice. After a moment, Dad looked over my way and put his hand on my arm.

"Frasier, I've never told you this often enough, but you're a good man."

He dabbed at the side of his eyes. Was that a tear welling up?

"Thanks, Dad. Thanks for bringing me back home where I belonged."

Dad nodded at me then looked around at everyone and addressed all of us.

"So, who's in the mood for lunch? I want to celebrate my new granddaughter. Plus, since I'm paying, I choose the steakhouse."

We all laughed as we filed out of the lawyer's office and made our way to our cars.

When we got to the steakhouse, we all settled down for a nice lunch. Since my return from Chicago, Dad and I had made it a point to come here once a week, just the two of us. My father was one of the things I had missed most while in Chicago, and I credited him for putting in motion the events that led to my coming home - and marrying Roz. The weekly meal at the steakhouse was our chance to catch up on news, and I had actually come to appreciate some of the items on the menu. In fact, the filet mignon with just a hint of seasoning reminded me of my favorite dish at Chez Jacques' in...

"Daddy, can I have some money to play the video games?"

I retrieved my wallet from my pocket and placed it on the table between Alice and me.

"Why don't you take out what you'll need?"

"OK."

Alice got a mischievous look on her face, something she had inherited from her mother. Taking the wallet in her hands, she turned it upside down and started shaking it. Several bills and a few coins began to fall onto the table. I looked over at Roz.

"Roz, why do I think what Alice is doing now will be happening more and more in future, at least figuratively?"

"What's this, Daddy?"

I had to give my new daughter credit. She had shaken every last piece of money out of the wallet as well as a few other things - my spare house key, my credit cards, and - oh no! Not that!

********_***To be continued**_*********

*******Author's Notes*******

So, I guess you would call this another "Froz" story.

Reviews are welcome, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	2. Chapter 2: What's In Your Wallet?

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******"What's in Your Wallet?" - **_**Roz narrates**_**.*******

The first thing I noticed was Frasier's face. He had gone pale when he looked over at what Alice had shaken out of his wallet.

"Oh, it's a picture! I remember this." My daughter had a big smile on her face.

"Let me have that, Alice." Frasier said. The trembling in his voice caught me off guard; I'd never heard it before. He reached his hand out.

It was too late. Alice had picked up the picture and clutched it tight in her hands. Besides, the attention of everyone else around the table had focused on her.

"Hiding something from us, Frasier?" Niles asked.

"Whatever it is, he even hid it from me, Niles." I said.

Neither of us were helping Frasier out. I'd never seen him look like that before. His forehead moistened with a sheen of sweat.

"I thought Mommy looked pretty when she was dressed up like that." Alice said.

Frasier scooped up the bills and coins on the table and pressed them into Alice's hands.

"Why don't you take all this money and have as much fun as you want with the games?"

"Can I get a copy of the picture, Daddy? To show at school? Mommy looked just like..."

"Off you go, young lady. We'll discuss this later when we get home."

Frasier slipped the picture out of Alice's hand, and Alice frowned. But being the smart girl that I had raised, she kept hold of the money as she got up to go to the video games. As she was leaving the table, Alice said one more thing to Frasier.

"You know, Daddy, she's my hero too."

Frasier turned back around as if he were going to continue eating his steak. Fat chance of that happening. Ronee got the ball rolling.

"So..." she said, drawing the word out to give Frasier plenty of time to respond.

"So, this steak today is exquisite. Dad, you'll have to give this cut a try sometime."

"Give up, Son. You can't just let it drop." Martin said.

In a flash Daphne reached across the table and snatched the picture from her brother-in-law's hand. As soon as she did, she and Niles inspected it.

"Ah, this is so sweet." Daphne said.

Martin and Ronee made impatient hand signals that they wanted to see as well, so Niles passed the picture over to them. Ronee's mouth dropped open.

"Roz! What a picture. I wish I looked half as sexy as you do, girl. No wonder Frasier carries this around in his wallet." Ronee said.

I'd had enough of this. Getting up from my chair, I walked around behind Ronee and Martin and grabbed the picture from them. What a surprise I found.

It was a photo of me from a long ago Halloween party at Frasier's old apartment. We had all come as our favorite hero, and I came as Wonder Woman. At one point that evening, Frasier had cornered me and asked if he could take my picture. I had obliged. Something about having my picture taken in that get-up made me feel so alluring, especially when Frasier, maybe under the influence of a little too much sherry, had called me his "little minx" when he finished. The picture was dog-eared around the edges, and it had bent in the shape of its position in his wallet. A few small cracks ran across the surface of the photo.

"So, Frasier, just how long have you been carrying this photo around?" Niles asked.

I'm glad Niles asked because I was curious too. It's something Fraiser had never shared with me. I was flattered that my husband kept a picture of me close at hand but didn't understand why he hadn't told me.

Frasier's head drooped. He really didn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately for him, this was not a crowd that would let the matter drop. When Frasier didn't respond, Daphne pressed the question that her husband had started. It was funny how Daphne had gone from the circumspect employee of Frasier to the assertive sister-in-law.

"Yes, how long, Frasier?"

Faced with the pair of questions from Niles and Daphne, Frasier gave up.

"Since the day after that party. I got the picture printed the day after the party. Are you two happy now?"

"Frasier, for the record you're saying that you've been carrying around the picture for eight years. Is that correct?" Niles asked.

"Yes."

Niles smiled and turned to his wife.

"Daphne, my love, you owe me twenty dollars."

Martin looked at his younger son and daughter-in-law.

"You two had some sort of bet going?"

"When Frasier and Roz finally got together, Daphne and I had facetiously made a bet on how long Frasier had really been in love with Roz. Of course we had thought the bet was just for fun; we never thought we would find out any proof one way or the other. But now we have and I want my twenty dollars. Pay up, Daphne."

"Niles, can I have your wallet for a minute?" Daphne asked.

Obediently Niles reached in his pocket, retrieved his wallet, and handed it over to his wife. Daphne opened it, ran her fingers through the money, and pulled out a mint-fresh twenty dollar bill.

"Here you are, dear," Daphne said as she handed first the twenty dollar bill then the wallet back to Niles.

"So I guess this is as close as I'll ever get to a payoff." Niles said with a smile.

"You are correct, Niles," Daphne replied as she reached over to kiss him on the forehead.

Ronee had been sitting quietly, deep in thought. Then she raised her head and looked straight at Frasier.

"But that means that when you went off to Chicago you..." Ronee trailed off in mid-sentence when she realized what she was saying. Too late, we all understood where she was headed.

"Yes, Ronee. I've carried that picture around from Seattle to Chicago and back again. Including the time I was involved with Charlotte."

"Oh."

The silence that followed Ronee's one word answer was like a thunder clap in reverse. I wasn't sure how to react - happy, embarassed, ill-at-ease. I settled on all three. Luckily Frasier cut the tension with a final remark as he put the picture back in his wallet.

"Roz' costume was an accurate reproduction. It came with its own Lasso of Truth. There's no telling what she would have found out if she'd used it on me that night."

********_***To be continued**_*********

*******Author's Notes*******

The title of this chapter came from the slogan of a credit card company in the United States.

Reviews are welcome, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	3. Chapter 3: Trophy Husband

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******Trophy Husband*******

From the Arts and Living section of last Tuesday's _Seattle Herald_:

_**Headline:**_

"Philharmonic Begins Season with New Series, New Board Member"

_**Photo caption: **_

"This year's SeaTac Philharmonic Orchestra board chair Dr. Niles Crane and his wife Daphne welcome newest board member Roz Doyle and her husband Frasier Crane to the orchestra's annual kick-off event."

_**Story:**_

It was a festive mood at the SeaTac Philharmonic Orchestra's kick-off event for the new season. This year's board chair Dr. Niles Crane had two announcements for the music lovers from across the region who had gathered at the Convention Center: a special Beethoven series and a new member of the Orchestra board, Ms. Roz Doyle, Station Manager and President of the KACL Broadcasting Group.

Apparently with tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek, Dr. Crane announced the newest board member thusly: "Daphne and I have been trying to get our good friend Roz Doyle to join the board for several years now. She finally relented after we made her part of the family. No more excuses!" Ms. Doyle recently married Dr. Crane's brother, Seattle radio personality Frasier Crane. When introduced to the season ticket holders, also apparently with tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek, Ms. Doyle commented, "What Niles said was true. I held out until Daphne and Niles got me trophy husband."

Dr. Crane then moved on to announcing the specific events in the Beethoven series.

*******To be continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

In real life Seattle has a symphony orchestra and a major newspaper (Thanks, Google!), but I've created fictitious versions for the story.

The variations of the English phrase "tongue-in-cheek" have a long history (Thanks, Wikipedia!).

On a personal note, I really enjoy writing about Roz and Frasier. It's fun to see them taking their friendship and growing it into a loving, supportive relationship. The spiky nature of the dialogue they had on the series just adds more spice.

Reviews are welcome, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	4. Chapter 4: And what do you do, Frasier?

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

Do you ever wonder what happened in the lives of Frasier's family after the series ended? Martin, Ronee, Niles...and Daphne. What have they been doing? In the series Frasier was the "star" of the family. What if that's changed?

*******And what do you do, Frasier? - **_**Frasier narrates**_*********

"There's an open spot, Daddy!"

I eased our car into the parking place. Most mornings I simply dropped Alice off at school, but today was different. I had brought the documents that would officially identify me as Alice's parent.

When we got out of the car, Alice took my hand and we walked to the school building amid the bedlam of people, cars, and buses that marked the beginning of each day at the Middleton School. Once inside, we made our way to the administrative offices. All the while Alice kept hold of my hand, and I squeezed hers in return.

"Oh, yes, Dr. Crane, we've been expecting you. I've got the forms that you'll need to sign," said the Vice Principal, a Ms. Gloria Smythe.

With a hug, Alice went off to her class and left me with the paperwork. The way I saw it these forms were but a small price to pay to cement my new role in Alice's life. I got to work filling out and signing each page. Twenty-five minutes later I reached the end.

"Ms. Smythe, I've finished the forms if you need to review them."

I handed the clipboard with the paperwork back to her. She glanced through my various signatures then smiled.

"Thank you. And please call me Gloria. You know we think the world of your daughter and your wife. Roz has helped us out so much with publicizing school-related events and with fund-raising. She's been a God-send. Oh! Here's someone coming down the hall I want you to meet."

Gloria waved at a man carrying a satchel slung over his shoulder. At once he reversed course to enter the office.

"Mr. Taylor, there's someone special I want you to meet. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, Alice's father."

When he heard who I was, Mr. Taylor's face lit up.

"I'm pleased to meet you, sir. Alice has told me about you. I'm Sam Taylor, her math teacher. You know, we're all so proud of your daughter and what she's accomplished."

Indeed there was cause for celebration. Alice had always been a good student, but recently she had taken her performance to a new level. She had come in first in the regional math contest for her grade level. Roz and I looked forward to the upcoming awards ceremony at the end of the month.

"My wife and I were thrilled for Alice. She gives you credit for inspiring her to excel in math."

Something about what I said caught Mr. Taylor off guard and prompted him to stare at me. He mumbled the word "inspiring" to himself before he addressed me again.

"Dr. Crane, would you be related a Martin Crane by any chance?"

"He's my father."

When I said that, Mr. Taylor's eyes lit up and he drew in a quick breath.

"I used to be a police officer before I became a math teacher. Your father was one of my instructors at the police academy. As a matter of fact, Martin Crane was my favorite. Please tell Marty that I say hello, and tell him that his granddaughter is 'sharp as a tack' as he used to say."

"I'll do that."

"Could you please tell him something else as well? He's the big reason I became a teacher. All along I had thought I might go into teaching one day, and then four years ago I ran into Marty and his wife. Your father and I were catching up on news, and I told him about my dream. After listening to me, he told me to pursue my dream and not let anything stand in my way. So I took his advice; it was the best career guidance I ever got."

"I'll be sure to tell him."

Sam Taylor excused himself to move on to class. When I turned back to Gloria, now she was eyeing me closely.

"Wait a minute. Marty Crane's son? Then you must be Ronee's step-son," she said.

"I am."

Gloria clapped her hands together in delight.

"It's a small world. Now that Ronee has retired professionally, she sings with me in our community chorus. She has such a beautiful voice, she's the featured soloist in all our programs."

"Ronee does have a beautiful voice."

"You come from such a talented family - your wife, your daughter, your father, your step-mother. _And what do you do, Frasier?_"

Did she have any inkling how that sounded? Before I could answer, a woman in a business suit walked up to us.

"You must be Roz' husband, Frasier. I'm Jane Danforth, the principal here."

I shook hands with her.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Danforth."

"It's Jane. Alice is one of our top students!"

"I've heard about the fine job you and your faculty do. We're grateful."

"And we think the world of Roz. She's been such a strong supporter of the school. Did you know that she arranges to get us Seahawks and Mariners tickets for our fund-raisers each year?"

"It doesn't surprise me. Roz has always been quite successful. I saw that first hand when she worked with me on my program."

When I said that Gloria's face lit up with recognition.

"That's right, you're in the entertainment business! I remember now."

Entertainment business? With age comes a certain restraint. In this case it was the restraint to bite my tongue.

"Yes. That's one way of looking at it."

"You work for your wife now instead of the other way around."

"Yes. That's one way of looking at it."

When was she going to shut up about my job? Luckily, Principal Jane had gotten a similar look of recognition on her face that Gloria had had moments ago.

"Frasier, is your brother is Dr. Niles Crane?"

"Yes, he is."

"You certainly come from an accomplished family! When I was working on my Masters degree, we used your brother's book on counseling as the textbook in one of our classes. I kept my copy; it's on the shelf in my office."

"I'll let Niles know that he has a fan at Alice's school."

I noticed Jane and Gloria exchanging looks.

"Frasier, are you related to Daphne Crane?" asked Gloria.

A sixth sense told me where the conversation was headed.

"Yes, she's my sister-in-law, Niles' wife."

"And her maiden name was Moon?"

"Yes."

Gloria and Jane beamed.

"Tell her I'm her biggest fan."

"No, I am. You're the second biggest."

"Why don't I tell her that her two biggest fans are at Alice's school and let the two of you hash out the top spot?" I asked.

"Frasier, I know this may sound brash, and it probably is, but do you think your sister-in-law might consider donating an autographed copy of _her_ book to our fund-raiser? If she could, I know that it would be the star attraction of the auction."

Every fiber of my being wanted to say "no" in as rude a way as possible, but I thought of Alice and Roz. After an inner sigh I agreed.

"I think I can get Daphne to send you an autographed copy of her book, especially if it's to help out Alice's school."

"That's great! I'll have to put in a bid for it myself." said Gloria.

"Gloria, you and I may get in a bidding war. I want it to put on the shelf next to my Niles Crane textbook." Jane said.

"We'll see about that." Gloria did not sound quite as light-hearted as she had when I first arrived.

"Just wait until the fund-raising committee hears about this! A signed copy of Daphne Moon's _Premonition of Love_ to auction off."

"Your sister-in-law's book is beautiful. I've rarely read anything that captured my attention like it did," Gloria said. "It's the characters that make the story so moving. Her poor heroine Danielle, a young woman sailing to colonial America in the 1700s from England to escape a life with seven brothers in a dysfunctional home. And armed only with a vision of something better across the seas."

"And then once in America trapped as an indentured servant in the household of that cruel tyrant Fairchild..." Jane added.

"...until she was rescued from a life of drudgery by the gallant brother of Fairchild."

"Oh yes! Giles was such a wonderful character, and the love affair of Giles and Danielle was one for the ages. It still makes my heart flutter just thinking about the two of them."

"Your sister-in-law made the reader feel like they were right there with the characters. They were so real. How did she ever come up with such vivid ideas?" Gloria asked.

"It's a real mystery." I said.

*******To be continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Daphne Moon Crane, noted novelist? It could happen!

Reviews are welcome, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	5. Chapter 5: It's All Entertainment

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******"Dahhhhling, it's all entertainment" - **_**Frasier narrates**_*********

"Hey-ya, Doc. Come on over!"

As soon as I walked in the door of Café Nervosa, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe invited me to join him and Gil Chesterton at their table. I nodded to him and brought my coffee with me.

"Bulldog, Gil, you both are looking well today."

"And why not, Frasier, as the old song says, everything's coming up roses." Gil said.

"Have you looked at the ratings book for the last quarter?" Bulldog asked.

"No, I haven't."

"You really should get Roz to show you."

This conversation made me ill at ease - since I had come back to KACL and especially since Roz and I had married, I had sought to steer clear of the business side of KACL as much as possible. Still, that hadn't prevented Roz and me from pursuing a syndication deal for my show. A lot had to happen to get a syndication deal, and the most important item on the to-do list was to gain approval from the Board of Directors.

"So I take it that the numbers look good?"

"Not good. Great," said Bulldog.

"For everyone. Including you." Gil said.

"Especially you. You may be Roz' trophy husband like the newspaper article said, but you're the Alpha Male at the station right now. You've got the highest ratings, including the 18-45 demographics." Bulldog said. "I mean, I'd be jealous if my ratings weren't good too. OK, I'm still a little jealous that you're on top and I'm not, but we're all making good money, right."

I cringed when Bulldog mentioned the newpaper article that quoted Roz calling me a "trophy husband." I hadn't expected Bulldog to bring that up for two reasons - one, I didn't know that he read the Arts & Living section of the newspaper and second, I didn't know that he could actually read. OK, OK, the second reason was a cheap shot.

"Perhaps I should look at the ratings book."

"Yeah, too bad you can't take advantage of that. One of the problems of being married to the boss I guess."

Again, the conversation veered towards something I did not want to talk about with co-workers. But Bulldog was right. Roz and I agreed that my compensation from "The Frasier Crane Show" would equal that of the lowest-paid among the rest of the on-air talent minus $1. Therefore I would be the lowest-paid. We decided that it was important to show that there was as little conflict of interest as possible.

"Speaking of that, and speaking on behalf of the entire staff, I have something to say to you, Frasier," Gil said.

"What's that?"

"Thank you. Thank you for making Roz happy."

"Yeah, Doc. All of us feel that way." Bulldog said.

"Why?"

"Things have been going good at the station the last five years, the best since I've been at KACL," Gil said.

Bulldog nodded before adding his thoughts: "Yeah, she gave me my show - and my life back."

What Bulldog said must have been true. I'd never heard him say anything even approaching that level of humility before.

"The on-air talent and the producers have worried about how long the good times would last," Gil continued. "We had figured that Roz would either burn herself out or move on to something bigger and better. Your reappearance in her life gave us hope that we can string along our success for awhile longer. Roz seems happier now, and more settled. That's good for her - and for us."

"Glad to know I'm good for something." Despite my sarcastic tone, I was glad to know that Gil and Bulldog thought I was useful for something. My conversations at Alice's school had made me feel like the ne'-er-do-well of the Crane clan.

Something distracted Bulldog and Gil's attention away from the table. Soon enough, I heard a familiar voice.

"My goodness! The three brightest stars in the galaxy of Seattle radio all together at one table. I'll have to shield my eyes so I don't go blind."

"You're laying it on too thick, Bebe," I said without looking up from the table.

Just like an oil slick moving out from a sunken ship, Roz and mine's former agent Bebe Glazer oozed over to the table and took the fourth chair.

"Frasier, my delicate sensibilities were insulted by that remark."

"First, your threshold for insult has never been that low. Second, no one has ever used the word 'delicate' to describe you."

"Frasier, you flatter me."

Bulldog and Gil signaled their departure by rising from their chairs. Bebe's farewell to them was classic Bebe.

"Don't let anything happen to my two best clients while you're walking over to KACL!"

"Two best?" I asked Bebe.

My erstwhile agent never misses a beat.

"All of my clients are the best! I only work with top grade talent."

"Nicely done, Bebe. Glad to see you never lost your edge."

"Dahhhhling, I may never have lost my edge, but I did lose two of my best clients."

"I thought you understood. Roz and I feel..."

Bebe raised her hand to cut me off mid-sentence.

"Save it, Frasier. Bebe understands. That doesn't mean that Bebe likes it."

"Talking in the third person now, are we?"

Bebe ignored my observation.

"Frasier, I understand both your cases. When Roz moved into management, I realized that I would be sitting across the table from her, not on the same side. At least for now."

"And when Roz and I married..."

Again Bebe raised her hand to cut me off.

"...the two of you decided that she wouldn't negotiate a contract with you. As a matter of fact, Roz turned your compensation package over to an independent board member to keep track of. It's all very above-board and very ethical. How noble."

"No need for sarcasm, Bebe. I'm impressed that you knew the specifics of how Roz was handling my situation."

"A good agent keeps track of these things. I suppose this is the point in the conversation where I should say something like, 'Oh, I think you and Roz are setting an excellent example.'"

"I would never pressure you to say something that went against every fiber of your being."

"You underestimate me, Frasier. I do think that was a smart move, especially for Roz."

"Why is that?"

"Good for the image. Roz has established her 'brand.'"

"And what is my wife's 'brand' as you call it?"

"Aggressive but transparent leadership. That can take her far - and you as well."

"We're both happy right now."

"Of course you are. But that hasn't stopped the two of you from pursuing a syndication deal for your show."

Before my brain could stop me, the words spilled out of my mouth.

"How did you know?"

"How do I not know these things? Never underestimate me. Oh, and by the way, thanks for your just now confirming that rumor."

The self-satisfied look on Bebe's face hurt me worse than my slip of the tongue. Then I thought - but so what if Bebe knew? Was it so bad?

"Of course it's not bad for me to know."

How was it she read my mind?

"Bebe..."

She cut me off.

"Syndication within the KACL group is an internal thing, you've got rules in your contract for that. But what happens when you look beyond KACL to stations across the country?"

"You'll be glad to represent me to those stations I suppose."

"As they said about Nixon, I'm tanned, rested, and ready. You know I'll get you the best deal."

I nodded in agreement.

"But I would have to get board approval first."

"Oh, I have no doubt about that. Not with Roz' dynamic leadership and my..."

Suddenly Bebe shut up.

"Your what?"

Even when Bebe makes a mistake, like an occasion when she says too much, she knows how to recover.

"My undying appreciation for the executive ability of your wife."

"Nice cover, Bebe."

"You know, Frasier, you're only half of Seattle's newest power couple."

"So we're a power couple now?"

"Indeed you are. Roz has made quite a name for herself leading KACL, and I know that from personal experience."

"How so if I may ask?"

"She's the toughest management negotiator that I've gone up against. Mind you I did well by Bulldog and Gil, but I had to fight hard. I admire Roz. She learned from me when she was my client."

"And of course you wouldn't mind representing Roz again if the occasion ever came up."

"Why, Frasier, what a brilliant idea! I like the idea of handling a husband-and-wife package. The two of you have a real synergy, and someone with a strategic vision handling the careers of you two could do quite well."

In every conversation I had with Bebe, it seemed like at some point she manipulated what I said. Now was no exception.

"I don't think Roz will ever want to go back to being a producer again."

"Who was talking about her as a producer? Roz' true calling is management."

"And you're branching off from show business into executive recruitment now?"

"Dahhhhling, it's all entertainment at that level."

"Roz is happy doing what she's doing now."

"But you never know what opportunities will come up. Take him for instance." Bebe picked up the newspaper sitting on the table and pointed to the photo of the well-known CEO of a leading video game company. The caption on the photo said that he had just received a "business leader of the year" award.

"Yeah, he seems to be doing well, at least according to the article," I said.

"Funny how things like that can change all of a sudden. A poor sales quarter, a product delay,...a secret sex tape suddenly posted on the Internet from an anonymous source. You just never can tell with guys like that."

"I hadn't heard anything like that about that man." I said.

"Yet, Frasier, yet."

My jaw dropped at that point, something that Bebe seized on.

"Oh, Frasier, there's no telling what might come out some day. And there's no telling what opportunities might come up in the future. But don't you worry, Bebe will be here waiting for you and Roz when both of you are ready for your next moves. Once a client always client I like to say."

*******To be continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

The supporting characters like Bulldog, Gil, and Bebe helped make the _Frasier_ series the classic it became. In this chapter "Dahhhhling" was my attempt to capture Bebe's way of saying "Darling." "Tanned, rested, and ready" refers to a humorous observation made about United States President Richard Nixon reentering public life after he had resigned his office in disgrace.

Thank you for your reviews, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	6. Chapter 6: So Will You Miss Me Today?

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

When writing Chapter 6 of "The Lasso of Truth", I realized that the original version of it went beyond a "T" rating. Rather than re-rate the entire story as an "M" rating, I created this shorter version of the chapter that still advances the plot of the story but keeps a more modest tone.

The original version still exists though. I have published it with an "M" rating under the separate title of "So Will You Miss Me Today?". Readers of that piece can interpret it as either (1) an extended version of Chapter 6 of "The Lasso of Truth" or (2) a standalone piece that looks at the married life of Roz and Frasier. Beware: That version is rated "M" for a reason!

*******So Will You Miss Me Today? **_**Frasier narrates**_*********

The first streaks of dawn that streamed through the window accented the curves of her body. Rolling over, Roz smiled at me while she stretched. Cupping her cheek with the palm of my hand, I brought our lips together in a kiss.

"So, Frasier, will you miss me today?" Roz asked.

Our passions ignited, and we began to roll around on the bed.

Crack!

What an odd noise. Roz looked at me baffled, and I no doubt reflected that same look. But then Roz' expression changed to one of discomfort. Reaching under herself, she produced the book that I had taken to bed last night. While drifting off to sleep I had let it fall among the covers.

Roz raised the book for me to inspect. The cracking noise had come from the spine of the book breaking under the...exertions...of Roz and me. She looked at the book, shook her head, then smiled.

"You're taking these quizzes seriously."

"I want to do well. And remember, you're the one who came up with the idea." I said.

"I never thought it would go so far as you getting a book to help you. When I brought up the idea of the quizzes I had figured it would offend you."

"OK, yes, at first I was offended. Pride or something like that. But I want to be the best."

"You are the best already. The quiz idea was just to add some spice."

"It does. Regardless, Roz, I do want to be the best. And if that means becoming a student again, I'll do that." I traced a line around the edges of Roz' lips until she opened her mouth to gently teeth my index finger. I continued, "You know, taking on the mindset of a student brings a heightened awareness of many things. For instance, I've observed about you that if I..."

"Ding-ding-ding!"

We broke apart as I slammed the palm of my hand on top of the alarm clock.

"Tell me again why we set the alarm so early?"

"I'll be on the road almost all day. Sometimes eastern Washington seems almost as far away as the eastern seaboard."

Right at that moment, neither of us were happy. True, Roz did have that "quick" trip to visit a newly-purchased local station. Quick trip, ha! She would drive all morning to get there, make a brief visit to the station to "show the flag" as it were, then turn around for the long drive back to Seattle. The KACL group had started to expand before I came back, and now it continued apace. Credit Roz for the growth - and the board of directors did with handsome rewards for her. Bebe was right, my wife had become a star executive and I couldn't be prouder. But still, right now, in our bed with the rest of the world at bay for the moment, I wished that we could have just a few more minutes alone. Just. A. Few.

"I suppose we have to get up."

Grasping Roz' hand I helped her to her feet. Once we were both standing, Roz reached her fingers around my neck to pull her face up even with mine. We joined together once more, now in a kiss of promise.

"Tonight, when we get home..."

"Let's make it an early night." I finished Roz' thought. Her eyes conveyed to me that we were on the exact same wavelength.

"We'll tell Alice that we're both exhausted."

"...and so we're turning in early. Good plan!"

Roz tugged my hand and pulled me with her into the bathroom.

"You know, we're both in a hurry." Roz said.

"And we both need a shower." I said.

"What if we maximize our efficiency and combine our efforts? Two people, one shower."

"I like the way you think!" I replied.

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Thank you for reading this, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	7. Chapter 7: The Call

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******The Call - **_**Frasier narrates**_*********

"No, Dr. Crane, I'm sorry. Robin Curtis was the _**second**_ actress to portray Lt. Saavik in the Star Trek film series. Good try though."

"OK, Noel, what's our next question?"

"Which of the Star Trek captains entered into a secret agreement with the Cardassian spy Garak? Was it James Kirk, Jean Luc Piccard, Benjamin Sisco, or Katherine Janeway?"

"And we'll let our listeners ponder that question through the news break. What's our current tally, Noel?"

My producer and resident Star Trek expert Noel Shempsky looked at his clipboard.

"You're doing better this month, Dr. Crane. So far you've gotten four questions correct and our listeners have gotten three correct."

"I can taste victory. Listeners, be warned! This time I'm playing for keeps. We'll see you after the break with more of our monthly Star Trek Quiz. This is the Frasier Crane Show."

I flipped the switch and heard an upbeat commercial for laundry detergent begin. Noel smiled and pressed the intercom.

"You really are doing better this month, Dr. Crane."

"Indeed I am, Noel. Bring it on! A little study helps. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've crammed this hard for a quiz since college." I gave the thumbs up signal.

While I would be loath to admit this out loud to anyone besides Roz, I enjoyed this monthly feature of the new Frasier Crane Show. Noel, as the quiz master and judge, certainly loved it. And our listeners did as well. The ratings proved it. Noel's earnestness shown through to the listeners and he had become a cult figure with the audience. As with Roz years ago, Noel had become an on-air presence as well as me.

Last month Noel had been a featured attraction at the Seattle SciFi convention. The year before he had just been one among the many ticket-buying attendees. Now he hosted his own panel discussion. And the publicity for our show didn't hurt one bit. I looked over at the wall in the studio and saw its newest hanging photo, courtesy of Seattle SciFi. In the photo, Noel and I were flanked by six Klingon "bodyguards." Never had I felt so safe - or so bewildered.

Another commercial had come on. The screams of an auto dealer touting how his used car deals this month were making he and his staff go crazy wafted through the air. It struck me that that same commercial could have run on my first day on-air. Not much had changed after all these years. Or had things changed?

I had changed, at least I hoped. Alice's Vice Principal Gloria was twice right: I came from an accomplished family, and I was in the entertainment business. But that wasn't so bad. How else would I have gotten a Klingon bodyguard?

A world of Klingons, laundry detergent, and used cars was fine with me as long as Roz, Alice, and the rest of my family were in it.

When I was growing up, Dad liked to quote baseball player Lou Gehrig's farewell-to-baseball speech. He quoted it so often that the words stuck with me too. Looking back on his playing days with a champion New York Yankees team full of stars like Babe Ruth, Gehrig said, "...today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth...Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day?" Gehrig was part of the greatest team to ever take the field, and his words focused on his teammates.

"Nothing wrong with being around people better than you. Some of their magic may rub off on you one day!" my Dad always told Niles and me when we were children.

My Dad. What better example of focusing on others was there than my own father? Only in recent years had his wisdom cut through the clutter in my own mind. First my mother, the esteemed research psychiatrist, was the star of our family. Then later Mom and Dad focused on Niles and me and our successes. Through it all Dad remained devoted to us. He put his family first and himself second, and he was fine with that.

Now my own family was like the old New York Yankees, and I was grateful to be part of them.

The phone ringing shook me out of my reverie.

"Daddy, I've got a problem and I need you at school right now," Alice said.

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

So were you thinking that Frasier had studied for some other type of quiz? Super-fan Noel Shempsky's obsession with _Star Trek _often figured into the plot of a _Frasier_ episode.

Also, hidden in this chapter is a very indirect link to _Cheers_. (Hint: something to do with Lt. Saavik.)

Thank you for reading this, and I look forward to hearing from you!


	8. Chapter 8: Silence and Sundaes

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******Silence and Sundaes **_**- Frasier narrates**_*********

"Daddy, I've got a problem and I need you at school right now," Alice said.

The tone of Alice's voice told me that indeed she needed me there fast. Signaling Noel, we decided that (1) he would announce to our audience that a family emergency had called me away, (2) we would continue the Star Trek quiz another day, and (3) Noel would round out the last part of the show by running a "Best of Frasier Crane" segment that we had prepared for just such a contingency.

Soon enough, I was on the road to meeting Alice at school. When I got there, the first person I saw was Vice Principal Gloria. She motioned for me to consult with her before getting Alice.

"Something has upset Alice. I've never seen her like this."

"Any clues?"

"She wouldn't say a thing, other than she came to the office and asked to leave."

"This doesn't sound like the Alice I know."

"She specifically told me that she wanted to call you, not Roz."

"Can I go ahead and take Alice home?"

"Yes, all Alice had left was her after-hours math team practice."

"Thank you," I said as I began to turn away. Gloria's hand stilled my pivot though.

"The answer to the question was 'Benjamin Sisko,'" Gloria said.

"What?" I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Benjamin Sisko. Captain Benjamin Sisko. Of _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_. He entered into the secret agreement with the Cardassian spy Garak."

"You mean Noel's quiz?"

"Yes. After we talked the other day I started listening to your show. It's great!"

"Thank you, it's always good to hear from a new listener." As much as I wanted to be courteous to Gloria, both as a listener to my show and as Vice Principal at Alice's school, what I really wanted to do was get to Alice.

"Dr. Crane, what's it like to work with Noel?"

_Noel? Why bring Noel up?_

"He's a good guy, Gloria. I enjoy working with him."

Gloria's hand was still restraining my arm.

"He sounds so cute. It's that voice of his. Every time I hear him on your show, it makes me want to crawl through the radio to grab him."

_Noel? His voice? Grab him?_

"OK," I replied. The up-pitched tone of her voice prompted me to make as non-committal a response as possible.

Gloria's hand gripped my arm tighter as I struggled to break free.

"Oh, Dr. Crane, I know this is silly to ask. I know I shouldn't. I know it's wrong to pry but I've just got to know. Is Noel seeing anyone right now?"

_Noel? Our Noel? I knew what I said next would violate all our protocols at the station about personal information, but I was desperate to break free from Gloria and get to Alice._

"He's dating a Bajoran he met at Seattle SciFi."

"Is it a committed relationship?"

"Yes, Noel leads me to believe it is although they're working through some religious issues right now."

"Please tell Noel if things don't work out for him there's other fish in the sea. Or other life forms in the galaxy," Gloria said.

Finally I wrenched my arm free of Gloria's grasp.

"OK," I said as I made as brisk a pace as I could towards the pick-up area.

As I walked to down the hallway, I felt helpless - unsure of what to say to my daughter. What kept running through my mind was how Roz would handle the situation, but then Alice had called for me. Of course, Alice knew that Roz would be on the road today and away from Seattle until late, but still. She had asked for me. What was wrong, and how would I handle things?

I found the pick-up area empty except for Alice and a boy who looked to be the same age. Alice sat in a chair with her hands gripped tight on the arm rests. Upon seeing me enter, Alice bolted across the room and put her arms around me. We hugged for several moments. While she and I had come to display affection like that, her tight grip let me know something was especially wrong. That and she hadn't spoken a single word yet. Out of the corner of my eye I noted that the boy was eyeing us closely.

"Let's get your things and leave, Alice."

Alice responded by nodding her head. Still no words. I decided to keep my end of the conversation going.

"You know, I'm in the mood for some ice cream. There's that ice cream shop around the corner. What do you say we stop by there?"

Alice nodded as she picked up her backpack. For some reason she glanced at the boy then motioned for us to leave.

Once in the car the silence continued. Stealing a glance at Alice, I knew she wanted to talk but something was stopping her. Maybe our detour on the way home would help her to open up. The reason for us going to the ice cream shop was a memory of my father. As children when either Niles or I had the blues, Dad would take us to get ice cream. If it worked for Dad, and it did, why not work now?

"Alice, my father always said ice cream makes everything in life better."

Alice nodded her head.

"I came to agree with that sentiment. When Daphne used to work for Dad and me, I made sure she kept the freezer stocked with ice cream."

Alice nodded again.

"Of course we always seemed to keep running out of it before I could get to it. Between Daphne, Niles, Dad, and your mother there was always someone ahead of me in line to get to it."

When the words "your mother" came out of my mouth, Alice's eyes clouded over briefly. Seeing that I wracked my brain trying to recall something concerning Roz lately that would have upset her, but nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Ever more concerned, I continued my monologue.

"Finally after two years of living at my old apartment I solved the problem. It turned out that among all of us I was the only one who liked blueberry ice cream. Everyone else disliked it, which was fine with me. Hence, we always had some blueberry along with whatever other flavor Daphne happened to bring home."

"I like blueberry too," Alice said.

Finally some words! I needed to remember that henceforth we would always have blueberry ice cream at home. It didn't matter that I'd have to share it with Alice, as a matter of fact that made it all the better.

In a short time I was pulling into the parking lot of the Scoops-N-Scones ice cream shop. Once inside the building I could tell that the business catered to people associated with the nearby school - there were students Alice's age as well as ones younger and older, parents with their families, and some academic-looking people I guessed to be teachers and staff. The two of us seemed to fit right in with the Scoops-N-Scones clientele.

"What can I get started for you today?" asked our server behind the counter, a jovial man with "Claude" etched on his name tag. Dressed in a red-striped uniform, he looked like one of Santa's elves who was moonlighting from his day job.

After looking at the menu board behind Claude, a wordless message passed between Alice and me.

"We'll have two of your blueberry sundaes, and we'll take the whipped cream topping as well."

"Very good, very good!" Claude said as he went to work on our order. The term "good cheer" must have been invented with Claude in mind, and I suspected it had been at least ten years since the last time he had frowned at a customer. It was easy to understand why the shop was crowded.

Soon enough we had our sundaes and found a vacant table. I had been concerned about Alice and me having enough privacy to talk, but where we sat convinced me that no one would even notice us. At the table nearby were a group of four teens who seemed to have emptied their backpacks of every single electronic device they owned. They busied themselves handing the devices back and forth for their friends to inspect and try out. One of the teens had brought a small video camera, and each of the four in turn picked up the camera to tape the other three making faces and cracking jokes.

Even after we sat down at our table silence still hung over us. As I fought to control my fears Alice stared while the ice cream slowly melted in her cup. Only rarely would she take a bite. Whatever had gripped her psyche had robbed her of speech.

All sorts of ideas were running through my head about what was wrong, each one more hideous than the last. Being a psychiatrist made me aware of the worst aspects of human nature, things I would never want Alice to be exposed to. The longer we sat in silence, the more frightening the ideas became.

"I hit a boy," Alice said with a suddenness that caught me off-guard.

I hadn't expected that...

"Someone at school?" I asked.

"Yeah. A guy in my class. I hit him in the stomach. Good and hard. He bent over after I hit him. Looked like he might cry."

"I'm surprised he didn't report that."

"He won't. He's not the kind to," Alice said with a stone cold stare that made me shudder.

"Why is that?"

"Cause he would have to admit that a girl hit him hard enough to make him hurt."

"Alice, I don't know what to say. I'd never have expected you to resort to violence. What prompted you to hit him?"

"The boy said Mommy was a slut."

"What, Alice?"

"He called my mother a slut."

Of all the awkward conversation topics to have, this had to be the worst.

"Your mother is not a slut."

"The boy said that his father told him that, and that Mommy was always a slut."

"What he said was wrong. Roz is not a slut."

Alice had inherited her mother's toughness. She had controlled her emotions for a good long while, but now some tears appeared in her eyes.

"Mommy's had a lot of boyfriends. You knew that, Frasier. You were Mommy's best friend."

Alice using "Frasier" to address me grabbed my attention. Some time ago she had begun to call me "Daddy," first in a light-hearted way but as time passed in an ever more serious way. Since our adoption she had used the term "Daddy" without any hint of whimsy. Going back now to "Frasier"signaled trouble.

"I like to think that I'm still your mother's best friend even though we're married now."

"You are. It's just that you knew all about Mommy before you married."

"And your mother knew everything about me too."

"She was never really happy with any of those other guys. But she dated a lot of them."

How to proceed? I just plunged along.

"Alice, your mother and I were best friends for years before we married, and she knew my high points and low points. And some of my lows were really low. But your mother was willing to overlook my faults, and I had a lot of them. For that I'm eternally grateful."

"You knew about Mommy though."

I had become exasperated.

"Your mother is not a slut. You said that I knew all about your mother. Here's what I knew: my best friend was a loyal, loving, intelligent woman. A woman who touched my heart in ways it took much too long for me to understand. When I finally did understand, your mother welcomed me back into her life - and yours too I might add - in a new role. A role I am thankful for every day."

Tilting her head, Alice grinned. I hoped that what I said helped.

"The day Mommy told me you had come back to Seattle I knew you two would get together."

"You did?"

"It was the way Mommy looked when she talked about you. She never smiled like that with anyone else."

"Your mother makes me smile too."

"You make each other happy."

"You're quite perceptive."

"Thank you for loving us, Daddy. We love you too."

"Thank you," I replied, relieved to hear "Daddy" again instead of "Frasier."

Alice began to dig into her ice cream with relish. After awhile, as much as I hated to, I felt compelled to bring up my daughter's conflict with her classmate.

"You know, you shouldn't resort to violence to solve a problem," I said when Alice had finished her sundae.

"I know, but what he said made me really mad, Daddy."

"It makes me mad too. What the boy said was egregious."

"What did you say?" asked Alice.

"That it makes me mad too," I said.

"No, after that."

"I said that what the boy said was egregious."

"Yeah. What's that word?"

"'Egregious'?" I half replied and half asked.

"Yeah. Just a minute," Alice said as she retrieved a small scribbling book and pen from her jacket pocket. After opening the book to a blank page she said, "Now, tell me what 'egregious' means."

"It means 'reprehensible,'" I replied.

"Oh, you mean 'really bad.'"

"Yes! You've got it."

"Thank you, Daddy," Alice said as she wrote in the book. After she finished she put the book back in her jacket.

"So you carry around a book where you write down words that are new to you?" I asked. That sounded like a fine idea to me.

"Yes, Daddy, but you should feel good about it. It's only for your words."

"Only my words?"

"Yeah. Mommy had always told me about 'Frasier words' - words that she only heard you use. Like 'egregious.' She said her vocabulary really expanded when she started working with you, and she gave me the scribbling book to write down your 'Frasier words' when I heard them."

"A book for 'Frasier words'?"

"Yep. Mommy was right. I really have learned a lot of new words since you guys got married."

"Just how many words do you have in that book?"

"'Egregious' makes 127."

"Oh my," I said as I shook my head.

Alice put her hand on top of mine.

"You shouldn't feel bad, Daddy. Being around you has made me more erudite."

"Erudite?"

"'Erudite' is number 89 in the book."

"I'm glad to contribute something to your education."

Alice laughed but then in a flash fell silent. Her eyes fixed on something behind me.

"What's wrong, Alice?"

"The boy I hit just walked in with his father. He's pointing over this way."

I turned to look at the shop entrance. There was the same boy I had seen sitting in the pick-up area at school with Alice. The boy was indeed pointing us out to a man who towered over him. The man's eyes followed his son's line of sight to our table, and he made eye contact with me. Only at that point did I recognize who it was. Then my breath caught.

It was Doug.

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

(1) Full disclosure: _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine _was my favorite among the various Star Trek series. The Bajorans and their religious beliefs frequently played a role in episodes.

(2) In _Frasier_ episode 10x10, "We Two Kings," Frasier and Roz have the following conversation concerning a dispute Frasier is having with Niles:

Roz: "...come on Frasier, talk to me. Use your words."

Frasier: "Because, it's so egregious."

Roz: "Smaller words."


	9. Chapter 9: Rage

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******Rage **_**- Frasier narrates**_*********

An old boyfriend of Roz was the last person I wanted to see walk through the door of Scoops-N-Scones.

When Doug had been dating Roz years ago, he would always swagger into the radio station acting like the king of the world. Most times when he came by, Roz and I were finishing up the show so he would wait outside the studio and talk with Bulldog. Their conversations always ended the same way - a shouting match. Two big egos, two "ladies men," one too many of that type to have in the same room. On one occasion it took me - me of people! - to keep them from coming to blows. I broke them apart and soon enough Roz hustled Doug out of the station, leaving me to calm Bulldog down.

"_That guy is total B.S., Fras. How dare he come around here?" Bulldog said as he bobbed back and forth with pent-up energy._

"_Yes. He's obnoxious, rude, loud. We can only have one of those around the station at any given time, and you were here first." I replied._

"_Yeah, Doc...Uhh, OK, I'll let that slide. I guess you're right, Fras. But he has no business being here."_

"_The sooner Roz drops him the better." I said._

"_Yeah. The better for all of us," Bulldog said as he quieted down._

It turned out that was the final date that Roz had with Doug. His getting into a fist fight with a bouncer at a bar soured Roz on him. That and it turned out he was actually married at the time. I was glad that he was gone from Roz' life on so many levels.

But now he was here, and he was the father of the boy that Alice had hit. Could we just keep a low profile so he and his son wouldn't connect with us? No such luck...

Doug marched over to our table trailing the boy behind him like an afterthought. As a reflex I stood up, placing myself between Alice and the two new arrivals. Even standing, I still had to look up at Doug.

"I know you! Roz Doyle used to work for you before she became the station manager. Your name is...is...Fairchild. Right?" Doug said. It may just have been my displeasure at seeing him, but something seemed off about Doug.

"Frasier," I replied.

"Fairchild, Frasier. I doesn't matter now. Looks like you're just another one of Roz Doyle's stooges that she orders around. I see she sent you to fetch her little spawn. Step aside. I want to talk to her."

Doug made me mad in how he described Alice.

"Doug, don't use language like that to describe Alice."

"Look, buddy. I don't have a problem with you. You're just doing your boss' bidding. I wouldn't like the situation you're in either."

"The situation I'm in?" Something wasn't right.

"I'm sure it was bad enough when Roz was working for you, but now that you're her employee it's gotta be worse. Glad I dumped her when I did all those years ago. I wouldn't want to end up a wretch like you. So you're her errand boy now. What did she do, order you to drop your little show and come over to get her daughter?"

Same old Doug. Same ass.

"You're saying that you dumped Roz all those years ago?"

"Yeah. There were plenty of other fish in the sea. Obviously." All this time the boy stared down at the tile floor in the shop. Each word that came out of Doug's mouth prompted the boy to shudder, and I shuddered in sorrow for boy.

On the other hand, Alice had gotten that defiant look that she had inherited from her mother. She stood up from her chair and grasped my hand. Then she fixed her eyes on Doug.

"Take back what you said about my mother."

Doug sneered at Alice. With my hand I moved Alice behind me.

"Doug, I believe that your best course of action would be for you and your son to exit now. Your son appears to be OK, and Alice and I just want to finish our ice cream and go home."

The little boy nodded at me with a hopeful look.

"Look, this...girl...tripped my son on purpose. She had no reason to. She caused him to tear his shirt." To punctuate what he said, Doug jerked the sleeve of his son's shirt. What had obviously been a slight tear now widened under the force of his movement.

"That's not what happened, and your son knows it. He started in on me about my mother." Alice said, looking around from behind me.

"Lies. Just like your mother."

"Don't call Alice a liar," I said. "You're why the two of them got into an altercation - your son heard what you said about Roz and repeated it. The only reason she punched your son was because he taunted her about Roz."

The instant those words left my mouth I realized that I had said too much.

"She punched you?" Doug whirled around and faced his son. His anger shifted from Alice to his son. The boy looked close to crying. Now I felt I had to intercede on the little boy's behalf.

"Doug, your son is OK. Alice is OK. You're OK. I'll pay you for your son's shirt. Let's just go on about our business, shall we? Can I get you and your son some ice cream - to go?"

At that point Doug's attention was on his son, not me.

"You let a girl punch you?" Doug snarled as he yelled at his son.

By now the whole crowd at Scoops-N-Scones had focused on us. Even the teens at the next table had quit laughing among themselves. Claude had rounded the counter and walked toward us, his good cheer still intact. I'm glad someone was still smiling. No one else in the place was.

"These things happen, Doug," I said, trying to get Doug's attention off the boy. I succeeded because Doug whirled back around to me. I still couldn't understand why Doug was blowing this so all out of proportion.

"Not with any son of mine, they don't."

"Please, Dad," the little boy said as he started to cry.

Doug looked over to his son then swiveled his body back around to me.

"Now look what you've done," Doug said.

"Me?" I replied.

"Yes, you. The two of you made my son cry. He's never done that before. And in public. No boy of mine should do that."

"Oh, come now. Every child cries at some point. I remember one day at school my brother Niles and I had run afoul of two other brothers..."

"No man from my family ever shed a tear. Ever. Do you understand?"

Doug's face reddened; he looked like he had taken complete leave of his senses. He brought his face just inches from me, and it forced me to tilt my head up even more. I felt behind me to make sure Alice was still there. In response she squeezed my hand twice to let me know where she was.

"Doug, what you just said was egregious. Everyone cries at some pont in their lives."

"What?" Doug asked after a blank stare.

"Everyone cries at some point in their lives," I repeated.

"No. Before that. What did you say?"

""Egregious.' He said 'egregious.' It means 'reprehensible,'" Alice said, peaking around from behind me at Doug.

"Reprehensible?" asked Doug still with a look of confusion, the first look besides rage that he had had since he arrived.

"'Reprehensible' means really bad," Alice replied. Then she ducked behind me again.

"Oh, OK. Thanks." said Doug with his moment of epiphany.

_Epiphany_! There was another word for Alice's scribbling book. No time to contemplate that though, I had to focus on the here-and-now. At that point I realized just how much my heart was racing. Pounding really. Funny that I hadn't noticed before then.

Soon enough Doug returned to the argument at hand.

"Like I said, Fairchild..."

"It's Frasier. Frasier Crane."

"Yeah, Faser. I got no problem with you. I do have a problem with your boss' girl. Let me talk to her."

"No."

Claude, his practiced smile still in place, stepped in between us. Now his striped shirt made him look like a football referee standing between two opposing players.

"Is there anything I can help with, gentlemen?"

"No. Buzz off ice cream man. We're having a discussion here." The force of the words coming out of Doug's mouth splattered Claude's face with spittle. Yuk! There was no way I could unsee that horror. The smile left Claude's face as he stepped back and began to rub his face with his smock. Now I felt the need to defend Claude as well.

"Look what you did. You spat on Claude. You need to get yourself under control," I said.

I did succeed in getting Doug's attention off Claude and back on me.

"Now you shut up," Doug said. Blotches of reddening skin covered most of his face, and a vein on his forehead bulged out.

"Doug, I suggest we all calm down."

"Let me talk to that girl."

He began to push me aside. I repositioned myself between Doug and Alice. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the boy. Tears were streaming down his face. Based on Doug's previous words, I was glad Doug's attention had not returned to his son.

Doug stopped his efforts to get to Alice for the moment. With our faces inches apart, his eyebrows knotted. It appeared he couldn't rage and think at the same time. For that small respite I was grateful.

"Wait. Are you in some kind of relationship with Roz, I mean besides serving as her flunkie?" he asked.

Now I was beginning to understand one thing about this conversation from hell.

"Did you not read the Arts and Living section of last Tuesday's newspaper?"

"What?" Doug asked.

"Never mind," I said. I remembered my derisive thought about Bulldog the other day at Café Nervosa. After this altercation with Doug, I made a silent vow that if I survived I would show Bulldog the respect he deserved as my friend. Why this remorse came to mind now I couldn't fathom, but my KACL colleague was the model gentleman compared to Doug. I needed to lighten up on Bulldog.

For whatever reason, Doug had reduced his rage. Not much, but some.

"Look, I know you've got that radio gig as the shrink who listens to people's feelings, but you've gotta understand some things - man to man. Roz got everything she ever got on her back, if you know what I mean."

On the other hand, my rage just ramped up further when I heard that.

Alice reached over and grasped my arm in both of hers. I wasn't sure whether she wanted comfort for herself or whether she was trying to restrain me. I turned and patted her on the shoulder. Motioning towards the table I got her to sit back down. Turning back to Doug I saw a look of confusion cross his face for a moment.

"No decent person says what you just did, Doug. Roz has earned her success. And once again, I ask you to please watch your language in front of Alice and your son," I said, only now I was yelling too.

Whatever calming effect had come over Doug vanished. His index fingered thumped against my chest. The increasing pressure of each thump knocked a little more air out of my lungs.

"Better people know sooner rather than later. Roz is no success, at least by any ability other than to use men. Roz is nothing but a _."

When Doug said what I thought he said, it was the first time I'd heard that word aloud since my school days. But the way Doug said it made it sound like it was part of his regular vocabulary. He had dumbfounded me.

"I can't believe what I thought I just heard you say."

"Believe it. Roz is nothing but a _. Now let me talk to her daughter."

Doug shoved me aside so he could move in front of Alice.

At that point I lost what little composure I'd had left. Yet again I cut off Doug's approach to Alice by placing myself in front of him.

"You will not speak of my wife that way, and you will not use language like that in front of my daughter. And further, you will not threaten anyone as long as I have something to say about it."

Now Doug's face dropped.

"You're Roz' husband now? This girl is your daughter?"

"Yes and yes. And also I'm the radio shrink that gets in touch with people's feelings. And now your face will feel my fist!"

Everything was a blur after that. I remember ice cream covered floors, broken glass, furniture toppled over, Claude's hands waving frantically in the air, Doug's yelp of pain, my own yelp of pain, a bloody nose (Doug's), and a throbbing eye (mine).

My clearest memory after that was riding in the back of the cruiser to the police station with Alice holding a cold compress against my temple. She was smiling at me. I'll never forget it - that smile made the pain bearable.

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Twice in the chapter Doug uses an obscene term that I have blanked out. Some readers may identify that specific term through the context of the sentences where it appears. The point of using the blanked-out term was to convey the repulsive nature of Doug's thoughts and speech, not to offend the reader. Hence the use of censorship.

Reviews and comments are always welcome!


	10. Chapter 10: Doug, Unplugged

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

*******Doug, unplugged - **_**Frasier narrates**_**********

When we got to the police station, my one phone call was to Dad, not Roz. If anyone could help me work through this mess, it was my father the retired cop. In the meantime, since I knew I'd be asked, I tried to recount in my mind what had happened. Most of it was a blur, but I did remember what happened after the fight ended.

_When the police had begun to arrive at Scoops-N-Scones, I was sitting in a chair holding the side of my face that had somehow bashed into the surface of a table. Alice sat beside me holding tight onto my arm. Sitting in a corner was Doug's son, unhurt but still crying. Claude sat on the floor in the middle of some debris, still rubbing his face in what appeared to be a futile attempt to expunge the memory of receiving the full force of Doug's spittle. Most of the crowd in Scoops-N-Scones had moved outside, although the four teens who had been sitting at the next table were still inside, only now they slowly moved around the room looking at the mess._

_Out of the corner of my eye, the good one, not the one that had almost swollen shut, I noticed that Doug was crawling out the emergency exit that someone before him had pushed open. Strange that he didn't want to stay and talk with the police, I thought._

_A minute later I heard two raised voices outside, one of which was Doug's. Soon there were more raised voices as a car engine started. When the engine revved to life, the voices became yells. Then the yells became screams as the car's tires crackled as they moved across some gravel in the parking lot. After that came a brief flurry of car horns out on the street followed by the shriek of a car skidding then the grinding noise of metal crashing into metal. Silence followed for a few seconds until the yelling resumed. I couldn't see much outside but I did see a cloud of vapor rising above the street. A police officer ran inside Scoops-N-Scones, snatched a fire extinguisher from the wall, and ran back outside towards where the vapor was now forming a thick cloud mixed with swirls of black smoke. Soon enough the cloud began to dissipate._

What a mess!

The police officer that we rode with told Alice and me that it was standard procedure for us to separate once we got to the station. She was very sympathetic to Alice and me and assured the two of us that Alice would be OK - Alice could stay with her. Hearing that lifted a burden off my mind. Regardless of what happened to me at least Alice was safe and secure.

For want of a better place, another officer had left me in an interrogation room alone and told me to stay put. Being the son of a police officer, I knew something of the rhythms of police work. For me now, there was nothing to do except to sit, wait, and stare at the institutional biege-colored walls that enclosed me.

Being alone gave my fears a chance to take flight. Everything from bankruptcy to court trial to prison ran through my mind, and I forced myself to not even think about the effect all of this would have on my marriage and my family.

"Get your hands off me, you *&%$^& pigs! Let me go! I don't want my son to see me like this. Please. Let me go!"

In the midst of my depressed musings, yelling shattered the silence. Through the room's inside window, I saw three police officers struggle to move Doug down the hallway. It was a slow process, what with Doug trying to kick the officers with every step they took. Fortunately for the poor officers, a pair of handcuffs had restrained Doug's hands at least. Slowly they made their way past where I was on their way to who knows where. The string of profanities continued to ring out in the hallway until they turned a corner and the noise faded away.

It took Dad an hour to get to the station but it seemed like eons to me. When the door to my room opened and Dad's smiling face appeared a rush of relief washed over me. Following behind him were Niles and Daphne, two more welcome faces.

"You OK, Fras?" Dad asked.

"As well as can be expected, I guess. Who I'm most concerned about now is Alice."

While I was telling Dad this, Daphne was giving me a hug. Then she responded to what I said.

"Don't worry about her, Niles and I will take her home with us tonight."

"We had Niles meet us here. It was a good thing you called when you did. Daph was over at my house running me through my daily torture, er, I mean exercises. I needed an excuse to escape," said Dad.

"Hush, Old Man."

Their familiar good-natured banter relieved some of the tension that had welled-up inside me. Quiet up until then, Niles smiled like he'd been waiting his turn to speak.

"Frasier, the folks from _Wrestlemania_ called. They want to sign you and me for a tag-team rematch with the Kreisel brothers. What-da-ya say, Bro? We can take 'em this time!"

The laugh that we all shared reminded me of the old days at my apartment when our quartet did something together. The good cheer that my family brought had chased away my worries for a moment, but glancing around the room brought me back to reality.

"Niles, I feel like I just lost a cage match with reality."

Dad spoke before Niles had a chance to say anything in reply.

"Fras, before you get too down in the dumps, let me tell who runs this precinct."

"Who?"

"George. We saw him on the way in. He briefed us on the situation and let us see the officers' reports."

A wave of hope washed over me at the sound of the name. Dad had met George when George first joined the department, and they had partnered for awhile. George was considerably younger than my father, closer in age to Niles and me than to Dad. Maybe because of that closeness in age we had always connected with George more than Dad's older police friends. Also he would always find some way to make Niles and me laugh, usually by saying something he had learned growing up on a farm. He was so different from Niles and me, and yet so warm and full of life that you couldn't help but feel good around him. No one, and that included Niles and me, could ever be a snob when George was in the room.

"I'm glad to hear that."

Daphne looked at Niles.

"We should go retrieve Alice and be on our way home," she said.

Before he joined Daphne at the door, Niles spoke.

"Frasier, there's something I need to say before we leave. I don't tell you this enough. Maybe I never have said this, but I've always respected my older brother. And never more so than today."

"Thanks, Niles. And Bro, we'd mop up the floor with the Kreisels!"

With a thumbs-up from Niles and a wave from Daphne, the pair made their way down the hallway leaving Dad and me alone in the room.

"How you holding up, Fras?"

"Better now that you're here and now that Niles and Daphne are taking care of Alice. What am I going to tell Roz, Dad?"

Dad put one hand on each of my shoulders and made me look him at him.

"The truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You stood up for what was right and you protected Alice. You were in a dangerous situation."

"I lost control myself."

"I saw the reports, Fras. You didn't start that mess."

All of a sudden the door swung open and 6 feet, five inches and 250 pounds of police uniform and thinning hair bounded into the room.

"Hey, Marty, I heard your son got in a fight after school today!"

What a welcome sight!

"Captain..." I began to say but got cut off.

"Oh come off it. I'm not Captain to you, Frasier, I'm just 'George.'"

George placed a notebook computer on the table in the center of the room and came over to me. While I was happy to see George, the bear-hug he put me in threatened to break my already bruised ribs.

"Marty told me you were in here. Of course I immediately assumed it would be for livestock theft."

"Yes, George, now that I got married again I figured 'Why not farming?'," I replied.

"Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Marty, can't you just picture your boy wearing hip boots and covered head-to-toe in manure."

"George, a lot of people would say that's like what happens on the radio show every day, metaphorically speaking of course."

"Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. '_Metaphorically speaking_.' Frasier, only you could add that to what you were saying and it still be funny. I remember the first time I heard you say_ metaphorically speaking_. You were twelve years old. I couldn't figure out what you'd just said. Luckily Niles explained it to me. You boys sure were _two peas in a pod_."

"Glad I amused you, George."

The laughter began to drain away from George as soon as I said that. His brow furrowed and suddenly he no longer resembled the young cop who performed magic tricks for Niles and me every time we came by the precinct to see Dad. It was as if he had aged thirty years before my eyes.

"I don't get to laugh much nowadays, Fras. Not in this job." said George. Dad nodded in sympathy.

"Sorry, George."

"Don't be. Seeing the Crane boys has lit up my day. I can't wait to tell Madge about seeing you when I get home tonight. But enough about me. I've got good news and bad news for you. We need to talk about this kerfuffle you got into today."

"'Kerfuffle,' George? Now you sound like my son."

"Can't help it, Marty. It's the only ten-dollar word I know so I need to get as much out of it as I can."

"Well, the word fits for what Frasier got into today," Dad said.

"Actually, Marty, it was more than just a kerfuffle. Frasier, did something seem off about that Doug fella to you?"

"Yes. He was far more belligerent than a normal person. His behavior bordered on the classic textbook definition of instability that would manifest..."

"So, in other words we're agreed that _all his dogs ain't barking_," George said as he cut me off with one of his just-off-the-farm sayings.

"George, you put it better than I ever could."

"Fras, something is seriously wrong with that man. What kind of a dummy would crawl into his car after a fight, start it up, and drive straight out into oncoming traffic while three cops were already there yelling at him to stop? I'll tell you what kind of dummy - one under the influence."

"So he was drunk," I said as a confirming statement, not a question.

"Doug was 30% over the legal limit on alcohol."

"Hard to believe it was just alcohol, George."

"Yeah. You and I are on the same wavelength. He had some other stuff in his system too. The lab will let us know the specifics soon enough."

Someone else popped up in my mind.

"Doug had his son with him. He wasn't hurt physically but he was very upset. What happened to the boy?"

George shook his head.

"The boy's doing OK for now. We called his mother. She picked him up an hour ago."

"What a mess," I said.

"Hey, Fras. You're the son of a cop. You know stuff like this happens to people who don't deserve to have it happen to them. Even children like that poor boy."

"You're right, George, but it still hurts to see that."

"Well, if anything good came out of this for the boy, it's that Doug will lose his visitation rights. According to court files, the boy's mother had fought to deny Doug any visitation. Now she has enough ammunition to make that happen."

"What about Doug?" I asked.

George and Dad exchanged a knowing look.

"Fras, your father and I have seen too many Dougs over the years."

Dad nodded.

"When you look at his police and court records you can see things won't end well. He was headed in a downward spiral even before today. Apparently he was a stock broker for a long time, then suddenly he wasn't. A lot of the time that suggests that a brokerage firm has found something amiss with a broker but doesn't want anything out in public. They just make good on any losses to customers and cashier the broker. After he left the brokerage firm, he really started showing up in our records. Two prior DUIs over the last six months, a couple of domestic disturbance calls, that court battle over visitation rights, and a restraining order against him from some woman he used to work with. Now something like what happened today will only accelerate the spiral."

As George recapped Doug's list of problems, I felt sorry for Doug but a self-centered part of me also felt thankful. I felt thankful for my family. My recollections from this morning flitted back through my mind. My own version of the New York Yankees in the form of Dad, Niles, and Daphne had come to my aid in time of need.

"So sad," I mumbled.

"Let's get back to you, Fras. Here's your good news: we've got your legal issues cleared away. The arresting officers and I talked with Doug and explained a few things to him. He's in enough trouble right now that he doesn't need to concern himself with you. He's dropped his charges against you, and we're not gonna pursue anything ourselves. How's your writing hand?"

"OK, I guess," I replied.

"Good, cause it's gonna get a workout. You've got a stack of paperwork to wade through, but when you finish you're free to go."

"Thank you, George. You've always been a good friend."

"Glad to help you, Frasier. But I still haven't told you the bad news." As George said this, he opened up the notebook computer then swung it around so the screen faced Dad and me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"You fellas need to see for yourselves. One of my officers found out when he was talking to witnesses. Someone at the ice cream shop videoed the whole fight, and now it's posted on the internet."

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Thank you for reading, following, and reviewing the story!


	11. Chapter 11: Shut Up and Kiss Me!

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

An author's note that I forgot to put in Chapter 10 concerned Niles' reference to the Cranes' childhood nemeses the Kreisel brothers. The grown-up Kreisels appeared in episode 2x11, "Seat of Power."

*******Shut up and kiss me! **_**- Roz narrates**_*********

Day travel had always raised my concerns as a mother. Being far away from Alice during a day spent on the road in the middle of nowhere had previously made me uneasy. Today I relaxed though. One of the side benefits of marrying Frasier was that he was back in Seattle so I didn't have to worry so much about Alice. His being there took a burden off my mind.

It had been a good day. I got to our newly-acquired station in plenty of time to meet with the staff. They looked like a good group, and I foresaw no changes in their local programs or their personnel. As for their syndicated shows I saw only one change - their picking up "The Frasier Crane Show."

Being alone in the car had let my mind wander, and I was already sketching out how we would introduce Frasier's show to that market. My plan was to send Frasier and Noel to broadcast the show from there for a couple of days. While they were there, we'd set up some local events for them - a press conference with the mayor, visits to local schools, and a lecture by Noel to a local Sci-Fi club. Frasier and I had found that Noel's Sci-Fi contacts had developed into some of the show's most loyal and devoted listeners, and we used that in station promotions.

Of course Frasier might complain about spending time out there, but then I'd scouted out a nice bed-and-breakfast where we could stay. I said "we" because Alice and I would join him for the last day that he was there. Alice would love the town, and Frasier and I could have a second honeymoon.

With most of the drive back to Seattle still ahead of me, my phone rang. Looking at the screen I saw Martin Crane's name.

"Hey, Martin, what's up."

"How's it going, Roz?"

Something was different about Martin's voice.

"OK. What's up?"

"First of all, Alice and Frasier are OK. How far off are you from Seattle?"

I almost drove off the road. Something definitely was wrong.

"I'm still about 120 miles out. Something's happened, I can tell. What is it, Martin."

"We've got things under control here. Alice is all right. Daphne took Alice home with her."

I parked the car on the shoulder of the road; my body was shaking too hard to drive.

"What's going on, Martin? What about Frasier?"

"Frasier's all right too. For the most part anyway."

"Talk to me Martin. Tell me what's going on."

"Frasier got into a fight that caused him to be arrested, but don't worry. I'm here at the police station with Frasier, and my buddies on the force got the other guy to drop the charges. Frasier will get released in awhile. All of Frasier's stuff including his phone is in a storage unit here. He's in the process of getting his things back and taking care of paperwork."

My first reaction was I never wanted to leave Seattle and my family again.

"A fight? My Frasier Crane? Wine-and-cheese Frasier?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

"Frasier was in an altercation with a man who had confronted him and Alice at an ice cream shop after school."

"Who was it?"

"A guy named Doug."

Immediately my mind churned through all the people I knew by that name. Who was this Doug? It couldn't be...

"What was his last name?"

When Martin told me the last name, I lowered my head onto the steering wheel.

"Roz, it's gonna take Frasier awhile to get through the paperwork. I'm staying here with him. Alice is spending the night with Daphne and Niles. You take your time getting back to Seattle. We'll talk when you're here," Martin said.

&&&&&*****Chapter 11*****&&&&&

When I called Daphne, she put Alice on immediately. Contrary to the fears that ran through my mind, Alice's voice was strong. For that matter, it sounded joyful.

"I love Daddy and he loves us," Alice said.

"I know that sweetheart. Are you OK?"

"I'm OK because of Daddy."

Those words imprinted on my heart.

&&&&&*****Chapter 11*****&&&&&

Martin met me in the lobby when I finally arrived at the police station.

"Over here, Roz," he called out amid the din of people moving to and fro.

"Where's Frasier?" was the first thing out of my mouth.

"He just got his personal belongings back, and he's gone back to tackle more paperwork. It'll still be awhile before he finishes. There's an empty interrogation room we can go to and talk."

After the two of us cleared security, we walked down a small hallway and were met by an old friend of the Crane family, a police captain named George.

"Roz Doyle! I remember you from your wedding. Sorry we have to meet again under these circumstances."

Martin had told me about how George had helped Frasier and Alice.

"Thank you, George. I appreciate what you did for my family today."

"Wasn't anything, I was glad to help," George replied as he looked at me. Then he patted Martin on the back and spoke to him. "Both of your boys finally married-up this time."

"Don't I know it, George."

George looked back to me.

"I've known your husband and brother-in-law since they were children hiding under Marty's old squad desk. I'd worried about Niles, especially when he was married to that crazy toothpick."

"You mean Maris?"

"Yeah. Good riddance to her. Daphne's been good for Niles. I worried about Frasier too, more than Niles. First going off to Boston, then coming back here but turning around and chasing some dame to Chicago." George froze when the words came out of his mouth. "I'm sorry, Roz. I shouldn't have brought that up."

"It's OK, George. Obviously I'm glad he's back too."

"Frasier's back where he belongs, with whom he belongs."

I patted George on the arm.

"Thank you, George."

Martin and I had talked further on my drive back, and he told me about a video that someone had made of the fight. At some point George told Martin that the local newspaper and two television stations had called the police department's public relations office for comments about the video. That meant that if the video hadn't gotten a lot of viewing before, it certainly would after the local media reported the story.

"Guys, while Frasier is wrapping things up, I want to see the video."

"Roz, Alice and Frasier both came through OK. Isn't it enough to know that?" Martin asked.

"I'm with Marty on that," George said.

"No. I need to see the video. If for no other reason, I'm the boss at KACL and the video could have an impact on business."

George got called away to deal with an emergency, but he said we could use the empty room and his computer as long as we needed it. I swivelled the computer around then brought my finger to the Enter key to start the video.

"Nothing I can say to change your mind, Roz?" my father-in-law asked.

"No, Martin. I'm a big girl."

Fifteen minutes later part of me regretted that I had ignored Martin's advice.

"_Looks like you're just another one of Roz Doyle's stooges that she orders around."_

When Frasier stood up to face Doug, you got the full measure of how much they differed in size. The only thing Frasier had going for him was that Doug had a few more years on him since the days when I'd been dating him.

When Doug called Frasier a "stooge," it hurt me.

"_I see she sent you to fetch her little spawn."_

When Doug called Alice my "spawn," it infuriated me.

"_...Alice and I just want to finish our ice cream and go home." _

"_I'll pay you for your son's shirt." _

"_Doug, I suggest we all calm down."_

Fear was etched across Frasier's face but he kept himself between Alice and Doug. I knew my husband's voice well enough to detect the desperation in his voice as he tried to defuse Doug.

"_Let me talk to her."_

"_No."_

Frasier would not let Doug get to Alice.

"_Roz is nothing but a -."_

When Doug used that word to describe me, I was humiliated. But my emotions swung again in an instant.

"_You will not speak of my wife that way, and you will not use language like that in front of my daughter. And further, you will not threaten anyone as long as I have something to say about it."_

Frasier's voice had gained an edge to it. On the screen you could see that Doug was caught completely off-guard. What I saw next was a reversal in Doug. The threatening bully, thrown off by something he hadn't expected, turned into...what? A mere mortal?

"_And now your face will feel my fist!"_

An adult shouldn't feel this way, but when Frasier hit Doug in the nose, I cheered. Watching the video I shared Frasier's rage. Part of me thought to myself, "Hit him harder, Frasier! Don't let him bully anyone else."

On the screen I saw Doug grab Frasier and the two of them hurtled onto a nearby table. Ice cream, syrup, and drinks went flying everywhere as the table broke under their combined weight. They wrestled around, each trying to gain leverage on the other. Against all odds Frasier was holding his own against Doug.

The video zoomed in on their faces. At first both men displayed a rage that contorted their faces as they grappled with each other, but in an instant the rage left Frasier's eyes. It looked like he was asking himself, "What am I doing on the floor fighting with this lunatic?" Frasier got up but Doug grasped his leg which sent Frasier's body straight onto his and Alice's table. The table didn't break but I heard the loud thud as the side of Frasier's face slammed onto the surface of the table. The image of my husband holding the side of his face in agony made me wince in shared pain.

Frasier looked dazed but didn't have time to stop. Doug reached out both arms from his prone position to slap at Frasier. If I were just looking at people I didn't know, it would have been comic. Seeing Doug threaten my husband and my daughter removed any humor from my feelings though.

Doug continued to flay around on the floor trying to get at Frasier while Frasier just wanted to get away. Alice was trying to pull Frasier to his feet but Doug clung to a pants leg with one hand while trying to punch Frasier's knee with the other hand balled into a weak attempt at a fist. OK, I take back what I said a moment ago. Doug did look comic.

Doug muttered more profanities as he held onto Frasier's leg. You could tell Frasier's emotions had swung from rage to exasperation.

"_Let go of my leg, Doug."_

"_No, you -," _Doug said_._

"_I've had enough of this_," Frasier said. Then he took his free foot and smashed the sole of his shoe into Doug's face.

Doug wisely quit at that point.

Alice was half-lifting, half-hugging Frasier as he rose to his feet. Then the video focused again on Doug on the floor. He was still laying there doing something else now - crying!

In a few moments the video panned around the ice cream shop to show the damage. While circling around, the video zoomed in on a man in a red-striped uniform who furiously scrubbed his face, for what reason I don't know.

The video came back around to Frasier and Alice. Both sat quietly at their table.

Then the scene shifted to Doug again. In the background you could hear a siren as Doug crawled out the emergency entrance. Instead of the intimidating tone that Doug had moments before, now all you heard was a whimper as he tried to escape.

Once Doug got outside, the person with the camera went to the window to keep the focus on him. Doug continued to crawl - crawl! - all the way over to his car. Despite keeping on the ground, he got the attention of a bystander who shouted at him. Doug answered with a curse and got in his car.

The car moved across the parking lot in slow motion while several people, including police officers, yelled at him. When the car came to the street it never stopped - it moved in one slow continuous motion out onto the street. Bam! The other driver didn't have time to react, the other car just slammed into the passenger side of Doug's car. The video ended there.

For several moments I sat still trying to take it all in.

"That was a dangerous situation, Martin," I said.

"Yes it was. Turns out Doug had some...things...in his system that made him even more agitated."

"Doug threatened my daughter and my husband." All I could do for a moment was state the obvious.

"Yes, he did, but it's over and your family's alright."

I looked down to see that my clammy hands were shaking.

"Look at me, Martin. I wish I had your calmness."

"What makes you think I'm handling this any better than you? That was my son and new granddaughter on the screen too."

I grasped Martin's hand and squeezed it. Taking a deep breath, I fought to get my emotions under control.

"I never would have thought Frasier could hold his own against someone like Doug. Just look at the two of them on the video."

Martin shook his head in disagreement.

"Roz, I saw that plenty of times when I was on the force. Someone you would never think could comes through with something beyond themselves. It's always because they have motivation - they are protecting someone or standing up for someone. That's what happened with Frasier today."

"I love your son, Martin."

"And Frasier loves you and Alice. Instead of dwelling on what's in that video, maybe that's what we should focus on."

My father-in-law was right.

"Give me a moment to get myself together, then let's go find Frasier," I said.

&&&&&*****Chapter 11*****&&&&&

As Martin and I were walking amid the hustle and bustle of the police station, I caught sight of Frasier standing in a corner with a slight stoop and sporting a black eye. Breaking away from Martin, I ran across the room and embraced my husband. When we broke apart we looked at each other in silence for a moment. I noticed Frasier's eyes (at least the good one) twinkling at mine and a smile curve upward.

"So did you miss me today?" I asked as I fingered the torn lapel of Frasier's blazer.

"Are you speaking in the metaphorical sense or the literal sense, Roz? Because I can see how one could make a case for either of..."

"Shut up and kiss me!" I said, cutting him off.

I curled my arms around Frasier's neck and brought his lips to mine. In response Frasier welcomed my lips to his as he pulled my body to him again. If this was one of those cheesy novels, Frasier and I would have let nature take its course, if you know what I mean. But not now. Not in the middle of the police station. Not with all the cops around. Not with the three prostitutes, their pimp, and their defense attorney sitting on a bench ten feet away. Not with the eight college kids just brought in in handcuffs from a fraternity party that went out of control. Not with Frasier's father standing behind us.

Still it felt good to hold and kiss Frasier again. The two of us shut off the rest of the world until it intruded again in the form of cat-calls.

"Yeah, baby. Do him right now!" one of the "working girls" called out.

"Alllll righttttt! Dude's going after it!" one of the frat boys yelled.

After we broke our kiss, I took inventory of my husband. Frasier's favorite blazer now hung on him in tatters, his hair was matted with the remains of vanilla ice cream, and a blueberry stain covered the lower portion of his red tie. His black eye appeared to be the only damage to him physically. When I raised my hand to the side of his face, Frasier winced.

"I'm sorry, Frasier."

"It's OK, Roz. It's nothing. The swelling is going down rapidly. I can still see as well - or as poorly - as I ever did out of that eye."

"No, Frasier. I'm sorry all this happened," I said as I waved my hand at our surroundings.

Frasier shook his head.

"I'm not, except for what Alice had to witness. Neither you nor she deserved that. I'm just sorry I didn't hit that bastard harder."

That attitude deserved so much more than a quick kiss but I contented myself with a buss on my husband's lips.

"I saw the video of the fight," I said.

On hearing those words Frasier dropped his head down and rubbed the back of his neck. When he looked back up a joyless smile greeted me.

"I feel that I've ruined not just my career but yours too. This is the kind of event the media jump on until they turn it into a full-blown scandal. That video, the police report, my mug shot - they'll all provide fodder for them to use."

Truth be told that thought had occupied my mind once the first shock of everything had worn off. Even if I did have some fear for the future, I didn't want to let it intrude on us now.

"Nonsense. You'll be fine and I'll be fine."

"Look at this objectively Roz. One can make the case that Doug began the altercation when he chose to confront Alice and me, and of course he escalated things when he pushed me aside. But I responded by punching him in the nose. That started the fight in earnest."

"And your wife loves you for that. And for defending Alice," I said.

"Be that as it may. I'm not sorry for what I did but I do fear for our future."

Frasier went back to rubbing the back of his neck. All I cared about right now was the man in front of me, the man who had stood up for Alice and me. I looked Frasier over again. He seemed to have recovered some, and you could tell that eventually he'd be fine, even better than before.

_Even better than before..._

A light bulb went on in my mind, and I remembered the old expression, "When you have a lemon, make lemonade." At least on the surface, this situation was a real lemon. But something else, something better, was coming together in my thoughts. I smiled at my loving, righteous... alpha male husband. Yes, you heard me - Frasier Crane, my very own trophy husband, was the ultimate alpha male!

We held hands in silence while I thought. In a few moments I squeezed Frasier's hand to get him to look me in the eyes again.

"Frasier, I've got a plan to save your show but I've got to work fast. Can you take care of Alice for the next 72 hours?"

"Of course."

"Good. And you know that I love you, don't you?"

"Yes, and I love you and Alice too."

I squeezed Frasier's hand tighter and wiped my eye with my free hand.

"We know that. And you trust me, don't you?"

"I always will, Roz."

"Good. This is going to be hard at the start, and some of what I have to do will sting for both of us, but when we finish we'll be in a better position than when we started. Now you and Alice won't see very much of me for the next three days, but it will be worth it. I promise."

At the same time, Frasier and I pulled each other into a final lingering kiss. When we parted, I grabbed Martin to have him help me get a copy of Frasier's mug shot.

As I made the rounds of the police station to get the materials that I needed, I thought about another old expression from the entertainment industry that Bebe Glazer liked to quote - "There's no such thing as bad publicity." To that I added my own thought, "Be bold, not timid."

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Lately I've been listening to a lot of American country music, both old and new. "Shut Up and Kiss Me" is the title of a favorite Mary Chapin Carpenter song and video from the 1990s. Although the lyrics of the song don't really go along with the story, the title and the spirit behind the song seemed to match Roz' feelings, hence its use as the chapter title.

Thank you for reading, following, and reviewing the story!


	12. Chapter 12: Friends and Family

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

Part of what I've enjoyed in writing this story are the roles that Niles and Daphne play. In this chapter they share the stage with Roz.

*******"Friends and Family" - **_**Roz narrates**_*********

_Three days later..._

"Roz, when do you want our ads to start displaying on the digital billboards?" Abigail asked.

"Tonight at 8pm."

"What about the sideboards on the city busses?" asked Kyle.

"Can we get placement tomorrow morning?"

"Done, Boss. What about the in-house commercials for Frasier?"

"Start running them tonight during Gil's show. That'll be right after the local TV news programs finish. We'll get some of the curious to tune in then. Let's grab 'em while they're there. We'll be able to get ahead of the story and put our spin on it." I said.

"On it, Boss."

I hadn't had a chance to catch my breath over the last three days, but now my personal finish line was in sight. Our marketing and public relations blitz was in place, ready to capitalize on the "scandal." Abigail, Kyle, and the rest of the staff had worked creative wonders, and now I was ready to turn the execution of our plans over to them. Frasier was safely under wraps back at our home until his planned re-entry into public. One final step remained for me: the press conference. I prayed that I had enough endurance left to make it through that and then exit the side door as I had planned.

After all the hours of work, the coordination of dozens of people involved, and the preparation of my role, I opened the door and strode to the front of the KACL conference room. A flock of reporters, photographers, and cameramen from the local media stood in front of me with camera, pen, and microphone at the ready. With a neutral tone in my voice, I read my prepared statement.

"The KACL Group announces today that radio personality Dr. Frasier Crane, host of 'The Frasier Crane Show' on flagship station KACL, is going on a three week suspension without pay from his show for his role in a recent altercation with another party. This decision was reviewed and approved by the Board of Directors. The KACL Group does not condone physical violence to resolve disagreements."

Reporters raised their hands to ask questions as I knew they would. Prior to calling the press conference, I had sketched out the likely questions and prepared my responses.

"Ms. Doyle," asked one of the reporters, "How does the fact that Dr. Crane is your husband impact this action?"

Ah, the most obvious question, one that I knew would come up first. It was the one I had prepared for the most.

"The Board of Directors recommended a two-week suspension. I overruled them and put in a three-week suspension. The Board then agreed with me."

"How does your husband feel about this?" asked another reporter.

"My husband is aware of this, and he accepts it," I said and then I smiled. "I didn't give him any choice."

Planning ahead made a difference. The questions were all ones that I had a crisp, professional answer for - at least until the last one.

"Ms. Doyle, forget that you're the boss for a moment. How do you feel about your husband's actions on a personal level?"

Even though I had thought about the question beforehand, my emotions welled-up as I formed my answer. For a few moments the roomful of people was quiet, waiting for some response. Maybe it was my fatigue, maybe it was the image from the police station of Frasier with the smile and the black eye, maybe it was the feelings that I had shoved under the surface while I was working the problem, but the words just spilled out of my mouth.

"As the boss, I have to take certain actions and have done so. But speaking as his wife, I am thankful for Frasier. There are husbands and wives all over the world who can relate to that - they have a spouse who loves them, protects their family, and sticks up for them no matter what. Someone who accepts their faults and always wants the best for them. All my life I wanted a relationship with someone like that. I've gotten that with Frasier Crane. Society can say that Frasier let his emotions get carried away and ran amuck, but his wife says she loves him even more. Frasier Crane is my husband, my love, ...and my hero."

As planned I turned to exit through the side door. Moisture began to edge around my eyes. I knew this would be tough to handle but I was determined to hold myself together until the door shut behind me. Strangers wouldn't see my tears. I had family on the other side of the door to help me through this.

Waiting for me in the side room were Daphne and Niles. During the years when Frasier was gone from Seattle, I couldn't have asked for better friends. Now that they were family, I found even greater support from the two of them. With my tears flowing freely once I was out of sight of the press, they embraced me in a tight hug until I regained some measure of control.

Wiping my eyes, I motioned for Daphne to hand me my purse that she had been holding.

"Guys, the other day when all of us were at lunch you only found out half the story," I said. It was time for me to share my own secret with them. Opening the purse I retrieved a photo of my own and handed it to Daphne.

"This photo is at least as old as the one that Frasier has," Daphne said as she and Niles inspected it.

The bent, dog-eared photo was of Frasier and me when we had won our first SeeBee award years ago. The statue that went with the award sat on a table beside us ready for a formal photo but neither of us were looking at the camera. Instead of posing with the statue Frasier and I were holding hands looking at each other.

"I always wanted a relationship like the two of you have but I'd given up. Over the years I made plenty of mistakes, things I regret. And the one man I truly cared for left town. I'd never expected him to return, let alone us to get together. But he did, and we did, and I couldn't believe my good fortune. And then my husband defends us in public, something I know I don't deserve. It's hard for me to comprehend it all."

"Roz, it's been clear to us how much you love Frasier and Frasier loves you," Daphne said.

"And we love you too and are proud to have you in our family," Niles said.

I felt the tears well up again.

"Niles, you're gonna have to come up with a month's worth of insults to make up for what you just said," I replied.

Niles and Daphne's laughter in response prompted me to wipe the last tears from my eyes.

"Roz, now's not the time for that. Now's the time for your family to take care of you," Niles said as he patted me on the back.

After I hugged them one more time, Niles went ahead of Daphne and me to clear the way as we walked to the car.

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Up next: Putting plans into action.

Thank you for reading, following, and reviewing the story!


	13. Chapter 13: What Roz Wrought

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

This chapter is set up in a similar format to Chapter 3 - there is no narration. The first section of this chapter attempts to convey comments to a website post.

*******What Roz Wrought: Plan Your Work...And Work Your Plan*******

* * *

**From the website for Seattle's Channel 10 On-The-Spot NewsTeam:**

Headline:

Local Radio Exec Pays Tribute to Husband

Sub-heading:

KACL Group President Roz Doyle defends her husband during news conference concerning his arrest.

Story:

During a news conference yesterday, KACL Group President Roz Doyle announced the three-week suspension of radio personality Frasier Crane from his popular weekday show of the same name for his role in a recent altercation at a local ice cream shop. Charges filed against Crane were subsequently dropped.

Doyle and Crane are married in private life. When asked for her perspective as his wife, Doyle thanked her husband for defending her and... _click to see more._

Click on the link to see the full video of the news conference:

_Doyle/KACL newsconference, 0:00/12:39_

Comments on "Doyle/KACL newsconference" - enabled:

Showing comments 1-10 of 161.

Sorted by:** Most Favorited by Readers** to least favorited by readers

Pudget Sound Girl: "I've been a listener of the Frasier Crane Show for a long time and look forward now to when Roz has time to visit the show. Their back-and-forth always brings a smile to my face. It's clear the two of them love each other so much. I think it's great that Frasier slugged that buffoon. He deserved it. Call me old-fashioned but a man defending a lady's honor always gives me a thrill."

The Thinking Man's Thinking Man: "Finally someone stood up for the return of a civil society. I'm gonna start listening to Crane's show now."

Classic Movie Chick: "I wish I had my own Frasier Crane in my life right now!"

Huskies 4ever: "Roz Doyle is HAWT for an old lady. No wonder Frasier beat the s*** out of that guy."

Olympic Jogger: "Loyalty is a turn-on. Frasier Crane and Roz Doyle: sexiest couple alive!"

Reax in Redmond: "Did you see the video of the fight? Crane totally owned that guy. It gives hope for all of us nerds out there."

Lumber Is My Life: "The only thing Frasier Crane may, and I say 'may', be guilty of is letting that other guy off easy. My compliments to the good doctor. If someone ever said the same things about my wife and threatened my daughter, I'd have done THE EXACT SAME THING."

Tacoma Marge: "I had the pleasure of sitting with Roz and Frasier at a banquet last month. You couldn't ever hope to meet a nicer, more engaging couple. I hate that all of this has happened to them. They're the victims here, not the perpetrators."

The Balding Accountant: "I went to school with Frasier Crane and his brother and knew their parents. Frasier and his family are good people, top notch. Whatever happened to prompt that unfortunate incident, I know it wasn't my old classmate's fault. His Mom and Dad raised him right."

Apple-picker: "Frasier's the man! I used to think he was just a stuck-up middle-aged blowhard, but now I think he's a stuck-up middle-aged blowhard with a wicked right cross. Kind of evens things out."

_...Press key for more comments..._

_...Press key for more comments..._

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_...Press key for more comments..._

Showing comment 161 of 161.

Plastik Surgeon: "It's unfortunate that Frasier Crane seems to have made a habit of getting involved where he shouldn't. He should mind his own business."

* * *

**Sideboard advertisement for metro bus:**

Picture image:

Frasier Crane mug shot.

Tag line:

Fightin' Frasier Crane - the sparring begins at 2pm weekdays on KACL.

* * *

**Digital billboard advertisement in Seattle metro area:**

Picture image:

Frasier Crane mug shot.

Tag line:

Fightin' Frasier Crane - finally a man who can understand pain - and inflict it too! Weekdays 2pm to 5pm, KACL.

* * *

**KACL "Feelings" radio spot:**

Background music: "Feelings" by Morris Albert.

Announcer: "Frasier Crane connects with his listeners..."

Soundbite #1 from the Frasier Crane Show: "...I feel badly that you lost your job..."

Soundbite #2 from the Frasier Crane Show: "...I feel happy that you've been able to reconcile with your family..."

Soundbite #3 from the Frasier Crane Show: "...I feel for you - going through the breakup of a long-term relationship is tough..."

Announcer: "But feelings have their limits..."

Soundbite from Frasier Crane fight video: "...I'm the radio shrink that gets in touch with people's feelings. And now your face will feel my fist!" _Sounds of yelling, punching, and breaking glass in background._

Announcer: "Get in touch with your feelings, weekdays 2pm to 5pm on KACL."

* * *

**From near the end of the first hour of the Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe Gonzo Sports Show:**

Bulldog:

"Before we close out the first hour of this special Fightin' Frasier Crane edition of the Gonzo Sports Show, I got two special announcements, so listen up, people. First, the new alpha male of Seattle, KACL's own Frasier Crane, will be having his first public interview tomorrow at this time with the other alpha male of Seattle, yours truly. So don't be anywhere else than listening to our show tomorrow."

"Second, the marketing department just let me know during the last break that all of KACL's 6am to 10pm advertising slots are now sold out for the next six months. If you're an advertiser looking to get in on the hottest local media, you're gonna have to get in line unless you want something at 2am."

"And now to take us to the newsbreak, our producer Noel Shempsky will offer a tribute to Frasier Crane, his dramatic reading of "Ode to the Warrior" from_ The Klingon Book of Valor_. Take it away, Noel."

Noel:

"Thank you, Bulldog. One clarification though, Bulldog. I will be reading from the second edition of _The Klingon Book of Valor_, not the widely panned first edition. Also, some of our listeners aren't as familiar with the Klingon language as others of us are, so I'll be reading the passage slowly. Now without further adieu, 'Agrk grakun ka-gurk...'"

* * *

**From the second hour of the Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe Gonzo Sports Show:**

Bulldog: "Hey, welcome back to the second hour of the Gonzo Sports Show with me, Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe. OK. Now it's back to the phones. Remember we're putting together the list of Frasier Crane Facts. They're like Chuck Norris Facts, only they're for our own Frasier Crane. And we're still looking for the winner. Noel, let's start adding to the list. Who we got on the phone line?"

Noel: "We've got Brad from Kingston on the line."

Bulldog: "Go, Brad."

Brad: "Frasier Crane once critiqued a wine even before the grapes were planted - and he was right."

Bulldog: "Maybe that was OK for a warmup. Come on, people. Jim from Seattle, you're on."

Jim: "Frasier Crane had the Space Needle relocated so he could have a better view of it from his balcony."

Bulldog: "Better. We got Spencer from Bothell."

Spencer: "Copernicus just called. It turns out _Frasier Crane _is the center of the universe."

Bulldog: "Clarice from Tacoma, your turn."

Clarice: "When Frasier Crane logs onto a computer, he just types in, 'It's me.' The system is afraid to deny him access."

Bulldog: "Sidney you're up."

Sidney: "To give his opponent a sporting chance when playing chess, Frasier Crane uses checkers."

Bulldog: "Ooooo-Kaaaay. Audra, you're up."

Audra: "To give his opponent a sporting chance when playing chess, Frasier Crane only moves the pawns."

Bulldog: "Uh, yeah. Eli, you're up."

Eli: "When Frasier Crane plays chess, he moves the king as many spaces as he wants, thank you very much. And the queen better stay where he places her."

Bulldog: "OK, Noel, no more calls from the Haywood High chess team. Come on, folks, take it up a notch. Horace from Seattle, speak."

Horace: "Santa Claus has both naughty and nice lists. Frasier Crane only has a naughty list. Feel his wrath!"

Bulldog: "Madeline from Redmond, you're on."

Madeline: "Frasier Crane once destroyed a restaurant because he didn't like the food."

Bulldog: "OK, that one is true - it was his own restaurant. I know cause I was there. Talk to me...Andrew from Bellevue."

Andrew: "Vulcans learned their death grip from observing how Frasier Crane opens a bottle of sherry."

Bulldog: "Noel is signaling thumbs up on that one, Andrew. Now we got James from Tukwila. What's up?"

James: "Using supercomputers scientists have calculated the number Pi to 3,275,824,477,312 decimal places. They did it just to check Frasier Crane's work."

Bulldog: "Now we got Belinda from Seattle. You're on..."

Belinda: "Mount St. Helens has not erupted since Frasier Crane came back to the West Coast. Coincidence? I think not."

Bulldog: "Who's next on the line, Noel?"

Noel: "Sam from Shoreline."

Bulldog: "Sam!"

Sam: "Rock crushes scissors, paper covers rock, scissors cut paper. But calling out 'Frasier Crane' beats them all."

Bulldog: "Up next is Tanya from Seattle."

Tanya: "Frasier Crane will make Pluto a planet again."

Bulldog: "Whatcha got...Lucas from Issaquah."

Lucas: "Even Frasier Crane's action figure will kick your a&&."

Bulldog: "Hey, Noel - good thing we set that tape delay at 5 seconds."

Noel: "Huh?"

Bulldog: "Oh, well. Next up is Howard from Seattle."

Howard: "Frasier Crane once dated a zoologist who moonlighted as a supermodel and had just broken up with a guy who played for the Seattle Seahawks."

Bulldog: "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Like that would ever happen. OK, Janice from Tacoma, you're up."

Janice: "The Lock Ness Monster once took a picture of Frasier Crane."

Bulldog: "Good one. Gary from Edmonds you're up."

Gary: "Frasier Crane once beat up Chuck Norris. But just once, it was Chuck Norris after all!"

Bulldog: "Elizabeth from Seattle! Go!"

Elizabeth: "Frasier Crane gets bored listening to the Most Interesting Man in the World."

Bulldog: "Ken from Kirkland, you're up."

Ken: "When Frasier Crane and Roz Doyle went on their honeymoon, seismologists reported a reading of 9.4 on the Richter Scale. And the after-shocks also registered 9.4."

Bulldog: "And we have a winner!"

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

(1) Hmm. Wonder who least-favorited commenter "Plastik Surgeon" could have been? And wonder why she thought Frasier should mind his own business about things?

(2) Chuck Norris Facts have had a long and extensive internet life.

(3) Readers curious about guest caller Madeline's exchange with Bulldog can refer to Episode 2x23, "The Innkeepers."

(4) Readers curious about guest caller Howard's exchange with Bulldog can refer to Episode 5x01, "Frasier's Imaginary Friend."

(5) Guest caller Elizabeth's exchange with Bulldog refers to a series of beer commercials popular in the United States.

(6) A Copernicus reference similar to the one in guest caller Spencer's exchange with Bulldog occurs in Episode 10x10, "We Two Kings."

(7) The towns and cities for various callers to Bulldog's show are taken from a map of the Seattle region via Yahoo Maps.

Thank you for reading, following, and reviewing the story!


	14. Chapter 14: Academic Analysis

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

This chapter is set up in a similar format to Chapters 3 and 13 - there is no narration.

*******Academic Analysis*******

From the video archive of the MKT 4700, _Strategic Marketing_, class at Redmond State University:

Professor Smith: "...and so, before we move on to the next reading module, let's discuss something that has come up in current events over the past two weeks. Since I asked you to keep up with the local paper as well as the _Wall Street Journal_, there's a particular story that has played out recently in the paper and other local media. I'm talking about what happened with Frasier Crane, the psychiatrist. Can someone briefly outline what happened in this story?"

Karen: "Frasier Crane is a local old-media personality."

Professor Smith: "By old media you mean radio?"

Karen: "Yes. He was involved in a fight at a public establishment..."

Steve: "He beat the 'blank' out of some guy for insulting his wife."

Karen: "And threatening his daughter. Also, someone videoed his fight and posted it on the internet."

Steve: "His wife is Roz Doyle, and she's his boss. She's the head of the KACL Group."

Professor Smith: "How does all that impact the story in terms of this class?"

Annie: "Doyle orchestrated a marketing and public relations campaign around the scandal."

Professor Smith: "Tell me about the campaign."

Jake: "She used a variety of local advertising."

Professor Smith: "Like what?"

Karen: "Billboards, bus ads, radio and TV."

Charla: "Don't forget the print ads in the newspaper. They basically repeat the same message as the outdoor ads."

Professor Smith: "Tell me about these ads, in terms of what we've been studying."

Steve: "They're all around a central theme."

Professor Smith: "What's that?"

Steve: "That Frasier Crane is a badass."

Professor Smith: "Crudely put, but I agree."

Charla: "Everything ties back to that idea. They reinforce that idea visually, aurally, and in print. They used his mug shot in ads and some snipets of sound from the video of his fight."

Annie: "And that image, what Steve called the 'badass' image, is not the image Frasier Crane has projected before. It's the opposite."

Steve: "Yeah. If you've ever heard the guy on the radio, he sounds completely different. On his show he's more like a...nerd."

Charla: "... or a snob."

Karen: "...or an intellectual."

Jake: "...or a blowhard."

Karen: "From what I read, Roz Doyle brought all the different elements of the marketing and public relations together using her team at KACL."

Professor Smith: "Karen, you bring up something else I wanted us to touch on - the public relations part of the campaign."

Annie: "Doyle kept Crane out of public for awhile. Then he first reappeared for an interview on Bulldog Briscoe's KACL show."

Steve: "Yeah. I heard he and Bulldog were really good friends."

Annie: "They sounded like that during the interview."

Jake: "Bulldog billed it as 'one alpha male of Seattle talking with the other alpha male of Seattle.'"

Karen: "That's borderline offensive. At the very least it's insulting."

Jake: "Yeah, if Bulldog were being serious. But, how could anyone be that chauvinistic? They were playing the whole 'alpha male' thing for laughs, but it goes along with the overall campaign that Doyle put together."

Annie: "One of the underlying messages in the advertising and publicity is that Frasier Crane doesn't take himself too seriously."

Steve: "That's different from the impression he used to give. At least when he was on the air years ago. Maybe he's changed."

Jake: "After that radio interview Crane did some TV interviews. He's been on suspension."

Karen: "When Doyle put Crane on suspension, it drew more attention to the situation. That's turned out to be an advantage. The publicity made both Crane and the station more popular. A press release announced the other day that the station had sold out advertising during daytime and early evening hours for the next six months. You don't normally hear about something like that in radio advertising."

Annie: "I saw Doyle's press conference. She was a real pro handling the reporters, and in the end she tied in personal feelings. It was like she manipulated the whole press conference."

Jake: "I saw it too. It was like she knew the answer to every question before it was asked. And that last part where she talked about being his wife, that was masterful. How did she rehearse that? The timing was spot on."

Steve: "I read a rumor that they were gonna put Frasier Crane's show into national syndication."

Professor Smith: "How would this campaign impact any future syndication?"

Karen: "The publicity Crane's been getting would enhance his potential audience, especially if they used some of the same promotional tools on a national level."

Professor Smith: "I've been waiting to announce this but now seems to be the right time. Roz Doyle and Frasier Crane will be making a joint appearance at our university on the 28th of this month. The Psychology Department and the Marketing Department are cosponsoring their appearance. Dr. Crane will be delivering a lecture on 'New Frameworks for Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder' and Ms. Doyle will be presenting 'Revitalizing Old Media in a New Media Age.' The two of them have also agreed to meet with this class for a question-and-answer session."

Class: Murmurs of excitement.

Professor Smith: "Yes, Charla, did you have something you wanted to say?"

Charla: "When Frasier and Roz come here, could they bring Noel with them?"

*******To Be Continued*******

*******Author's Notes*******

One more chapter remains. The last chapter updates Daphne Moon Crane's literary career and -_ahem_- ties up loose ends.

Thank you for reading, following, and reviewing the story!


	15. Chapter 15: The Lasso of Truth

*******The Lasso of Truth*******

Summary:

After marrying Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane adopts her daughter Alice, setting in motion a wild string of events. How does Frasier handle being the father of a girl? And being the husband of Roz, the most prominent radio executive in Seattle?

*******Author's Notes*******

I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it.

Thank you to everyone who has read, followed, and/or reviewed this story!

*******The Lasso of Truth **_**- Frasier narrates**_*********

"Daddy, have you heard from Mommy yet?" Alice asked as we were cooking dinner. Today was the day the KACL Group's Board of Directors met.

"Yes. Your mother called as soon as the Board meeting ended."

"Did she have good news?"

"Indeed. KACL advertising revenue from all sources is now projected to be 16% higher this quarter."

"That's pretty good, isn't it?"

"It's spectacular. The Board voted Roz a 10% raise in salary and increased her stock options. They don't want her leaving the KACL Group any time soon."

"What about you?"

"The board approved my pursuing a national syndication deal. We can begin negotiations with non-KACL stations next month."

"That reminds me, Daddy. While you were at the grocery store, some flowers arrived for Mommy and you." Alice pointed to a vase holding a dozen yellow roses.

"Speaking of the grocery store, I got a gallon of blueberry ice cream while I was there. Do you think that was enough?"

"It's a start at least!" Alice said.

When I walked over to the table with the flowers a close inspection revealed a small envelope attached to the vase. Finding the card in the envelope I read it aloud so Alice could hear.

"_**Roz and Frasier -**_

_**Job well done!**_

_**- your once (and future?) agent, Bebe Glazer"**_

"Bebe Glazer came by Mommy's office once when I was there. She's scary," Alice said.

"It depends on whether she's sitting on your side of the table or the other side. Well, okay, who am I kidding? She's scary regardless. Your mother and I will probably meet with her next week. How's the salad tossing going?"

"Ready to go, Daddy."

I had decided to make the most of my time off during the suspension, so today Alice and I were cooking a special dinner with some of our favorite dishes for the three of us. As it turned out though, the dinner would only be for Roz and me. In the late afternoon, Daphne stopped by with an unexpected invitation.

"Alice, your Uncle Niles and I want to invite you to stay over with us tonight. You can spend some more time with your cousins. How does that sound?" Daphne asked as soon as she was through the door.

Alice looked at me.

"What do you think, Daddy?"

"I'm suspended for a few more days. That still gives plenty of time for us to cook dinner together."

"OK! Let me go get ready."

My daughter ran off to her room to get a few things to take with her.

"What's up, Daph?" I asked.

At first, the only sound out of Daphne was a strange chuckling noise, like she was holding back saying something. When she finally spoke, she still didn't say much.

"Roz and I talked about it this afternoon."

"And?"

"And Alice is spending the night with us. We'll have her back in the morning. Late morning."

After she finished speaking, she made that same chuckling noise again, this time with the sides of her mouth curled ever more upward.

In response I just said, "OK."

"Oh, by the way. Niles and I took an autographed copy of _Premonition of Love_ over to Alice's school this morning." Daphne said.

"I'm sure they welcomed you with open arms."

"To say the least. Jane the Principal and Gloria the Vice Principal wanted both of us to autograph their books. At first Niles refused to sign Jane's book as 'Giles' but he gave up."

"I could see how Niles would be perturbed by that, Daph."

"Yes, and especially considering it was a copy of Niles' textbook on counseling that he was signing," Daphne said.

"Oh."

"It got stranger, Frasier."

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Gloria wanted a lock of hair from each of us. We got her to settle for a photo of us with her instead."

"Thank you for everything you and Niles have done for us."

"We were glad to help, and I still made it to my lunch meeting with my publishing agent."

"Is a follow-up to _Premonition of Love_ in the offing, Daph?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. The creative bug has really gotten hold of me lately."

"So, you're writing more of that classic love story of Giles and Danielle? Your audience seems to crave anything and everything about that couple," I said.

"Actually, since Giles and Danielle already became a couple in _Premonition of Love_, I've made them secondary characters in the new story."

"That's taking a risk, isn't it, Daph."

"Yes, but that's not the biggest risk with the new book, Frasier."

"Should I even ask?"

"This time I'm taking the antagonist from _Premonition of Love_, the cruel tyrant Fairchild, and turning him into the protagonist. The new book will be titled _Redeemed by the Wonder of Love_."

"So Fairchild becomes the hero this time?" I admit that sounded better to me than the last book.

"It's more of a process that he goes through, hence the title. He's transformed by the love of a saucy yet savvy single mother named Rowinda and her daughter Aileen. I call the mother 'Row' for short," Daphne said.

"Of course you do."

"It seems like these books just write themselves sometimes," Daphne said.

"Your readers seem very attached to Giles and Danielle. Do you think they'll accept a story that focuses on another couple like Fairchild and Row?"

"You never know, Frasier, but I do hope to get positive feedback from the audience."

Daphne fell silent for a moment to let the import of what she said sink in.

Before I could question Daphne further, Alice returned with her suitcase and the two of them left arm-in-arm.

With one less pair of hands to help, the cooking took more of my attention. I had completely lost track of the time when I heard the front door open.

"Hi, Honey, I'm home! How's my little hubby? Umm-ummm. Something sure smells good!"

How Roz could keep a straight face while saying that I don't know.

"Daphne came by and picked up Alice. It's just the two of us tonight."

"I know. Daph and I decided that while we were out shopping," Roz said.

"Shopping?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to pick up a thing or two."

I turned and looked at Roz. She was holding a large sack in her hand.

"Dinner's almost ready," I said.

Roz gave me a quick kiss and turned toward our bedroom.

"I'm gonna go change, Frasier."

I nodded in response.

Alone in the kitchen again, I kept vigil over a lightly seasoned tomato-and-beef stew, one of my signature dishes. After adding the spices, it took precise stirring to mix the whole concoction to achieve the desired effect. Five clockwise stirrings followed by five counter-clockwise stirrings followed by three upward motions with the ladle. Then the cycle repeated. Again, I lost myself in the cooking until...

Something thin and yellow flashed through the air in front of my eyes. It fell around my arms and across my chest. Looking down, I saw that a yellow, no make that gold-glittered, rope had ensnared me. The rope tightened around my shoulders, and then two arms shrouded beneath a red, white, and blue cape encircled my waist. A pair of lips nibbled at my earlobe while a bewitching perfume reached my nostrils. Then a hot breath blew in my ear.

"So, Frasier, tell me true. Just how long have you been in love with me?"

*******The End*******

*******Author's Notes*******

Roz Doyle **is** Wonder Woman!


End file.
